Linking it up

Part of teaching Pinkie Pie is basic school stuff everyone recognizes and most people hate.  We do math workbooks and french workbooks and grind through a lot of the rough stuff as we teach her and her friend.

However, it isn't all grind and solve.  I have been spending a lot of time watching random educational youtube videos trying to find interesting topics to show to the kids.  Sometimes I just show them some cool astronomy thing, but sometimes I manage to tie stuff together in ways that make me feel clever.

The other day I sat them down to watch a video about how life transfers and uses energy.  It talked about ATP and all the systems life has evolved to make use of it, starting from single celled organisms right up to humans.  Then I showed them a video about the Kardashev scale for civilizations, ranking them based on the amount of energy they have access to.  For example, humanity is currently at .75 on the scale, where 1 is using all of the energy that earth has to offer, 2 is using the entire sun, and 3 is the entire galaxy.

The common thread?  The laws of thermodynamics of course!

Body heat is one result of the use of energy by our systems.  This is due, in part at least, to entropy.  You always get waste heat when you transfer energy around.  This waste heat is also an issue if humanity ever achieves type 1 civilization status because we will rapidly boil ourselves to death using that amount of energy on the Earth itself.  Going further than that and building megastructures like Dyson spheres also must account for this problem - dissipating heat is a huge issue when you talk about far future technology like this.

For kids struggling in grade nine science teaching about thermodynamics may be a bit ambitious.  Still, I quite enjoy the challenge of finding disparate subjects that I can link together in some ingenious way, so I take whatever opportunities are available to me.  

The videos typically are only about 10 minutes in length but it usually takes me a solid half hour to get through them.  I constantly stop and check to see if the kids understand the language or concepts being used, and then talk about stuff until they are up to speed.  I don't know if they have noticed that I use youtube as a way to keep them interested in an endless set of mini lectures, but that certainly seems to be what I am doing.  I do like to have graphics and guidance for my teaching, and using videos to give me things to talk about and places to go works well for me.

I don't think I can keep my two pupils on track to learn all the stuff the school expects them to learn.  On the other hand they are going to know a little bit about all kinds of stuff, and there is some merit in that.

A successful bid

One of the best predictors of how long a relationship will last is the way the people in it respond to bids for attention.  These bids are usually small things like pointing out a funny thing to a partner, asking a question, or a request for assistance.  Most of the time all we need to do to respond positively is acknowlege the bid, pay attention to it, and respond in some reasonable fashion.  You don't have to respond to every bid of course, but if you consistently ignore them to stare at your phone, shrug and move on, or otherwise lack engagement, your relationship is likely to either end or be miserable.

I put a large emphasis on responding to bids from people.  My romantic relationships get a lot of attention here for sure, but it also applies to child rearing and friendships too.  I think I may actually respond to bids so much that it is unhealthy for me, though I presume that the people I respond to like it.  

The way this plays out is that I am doing something on my computer with my headphones on, absorbed, and either Wendy or Pinkie Pie talks to me.  I can't tell what they are saying (because headphones), so I stop what I am doing, say "Wait, I can't hear you", take the headphones off, put them down, turn around to face them, and say "Okay, go ahead".  This is a positive way to respond to a bid.  I set aside what I am doing, make it clear that I prioritize their feelings and communication, and make sure I am prepared to engage in whatever it is they have for me.

Sometimes that is a good thing.  Maybe it is time to make dinner and I was being reminded, or maybe there is something interesting we can talk about.  Unfortunately a lot of the time it is something totally trivial that I do not care about at all.  It might be Pinkie Pie wanting me to look at the cat that she made in The Sims, or Wendy saying "Oh, never mind, I see it now."  In both cases it is frustrating because I tore myself out of my flow to respond to the bid, and now I have to get myself back into it.  Often what I *want* to say is "Not now, busy" but I don't.  It is important to not respond in that way, and everyone makes it clear that how I respond to these things is crucial for them.

I want to be a good partner and a good parent.  I want to be there and responsive when the people in my family ask for my time and attention.  I just don't know how to cope with some interruptions being necessary and worthwhile, and some being for things I absolutely do not care about at all.

The pandemic turns this from an occasional frustration to a serious struggle.  What I need is the ability to focus on things without being dragged out of my zone.  Unfortunately we have a tiny space and everyone is on top of me all day every day.  I am the one responsible for the vast majority of chores and work, so Wendy and Pinkie Pie need to constantly talk to me about groceries or dinner or cleaning or appointments etc.

If I could just go to work for a few hours and do things without anyone else around it would be wonderful.  I get a bit of that late at night after other people are asleep, but then I need to tiptoe around so as to not wake them up, so it doesn't quite do the thing I am hoping for.

I really like the idea of all of us interacting casually, being open to little conversations about nothing important.  I want to be receptive to people talking to me, even when it isn't something momentous.  I like the idea of talking with them about random stuff that popped into my brain too.  I just desperately need that separation at times, that ability to sink deep into a headspace without being interrupted.

The struggle goes the other way too, no doubt about that.  Pinkie Pie spends all day in her room, and she won't take care of any basic life functions without constant harassment, so I constantly have to be knocking on her door and barging in when she ignores the knock.  I am sure this is difficult for her too, but because she is always behind a closed door and won't respond to messages I literally cannot wait for a good moment to communicate with her - I have no way of knowing what time would be good.

Wendy works in our living room, so she has the same sorts of struggles.  I can't easily tell when she is engaged with her work or not, so if I need her attention I have to either wait, which might take hours, or just interrupt her.  Working at home is difficult for her even if I am leaving her alone, especially with difficult work where she needs to be in flow to do it properly, and me needing input on stuff ratchets up the challenge.

Having only a kitchen (where I am on my computer, usually), and a living room (where Wendy is on her computer, usually) as our living spaces is driving us a bit batty.  What I would give for an office space with a door I could close!  The ability to go and do something for a couple hours with a door between me and casual interruptions would be a wondrous thing.  

But, you know, money.

I don't have good answers here.  I would like to respond to bids less, but I can't know which ones are the ones I want to filter out until I have already responded to them.  I could put up a little flag that says 'go away' on it, but that doesn't actually work that well in practice.  It is weird and uncomfortable to not chat about little things to someone who is *right there* in a way that wouldn't be weird or uncomfortable if they were in an office ten meters away.  You just walk to the office if you have a thing worth saying, or don't bother if your thing isn't worth saying.  A 'go away' flag simply doesn't create the same social environment.

I am so profoundly ready for the pandemic to be over so people can get out of my space and I can drill down deep into something, knowing that I have hours of time where I can focus and nothing shall distract me.  Trivial or important, all distractions break my creativity and flow.

Withdrawing from society

Almost a month ago I watched the Netflix show entitled The Social Dilemma.  It was about social networks and the algorithms they use to decide what to show users.  I knew that social networks used these algorithms and that these algorithms were there to increase ad revenue and engagement, not to promote truth, but this show outlined clearly just how bad things are.

As as example, FB was instrumental in the widespread influence of pizzagate.  Its algorithms noticed that people were extremely engaged with the nonsense story of a child sex ring operating out of a pizza joint, organized by high level Democrats in the US.  Obvious foolishness, but it got clicks, so FB showed it to as many people as possible, and plenty of them bought it.

In response I decided to unfollow everyone on Facebook.  I still use FB for messaging, and I can still be part of organizing events or conversations, but I no longer see anything on my feed except ads... which makes it quite easy to ignore my feed entirely.  I could have just refused to look at my feed of course, but I know myself - resisting the urge to look would take precious willpower, and I didn't wan to have to resist temptation.  Unfollowing everyone means that it would take a lot of time to actually make my feed exist again, and I was pretty sure I wouldn't do that.

This trick worked.  I unfollowed mostly everyone and I have ignored my feed for four weeks now.  I do feel better overall, but it isn't entirely rosy.  There are certainly bits of news I will miss, and events in the lives of my friends that I will not see.  Still, while most of those feel like a real thing at the time, they have no long term impact.  Nearly all of those things that social networks convince us are crucial actually don't matter at all a week later.  That said, if there was a good way to get those moments without having to scroll endlessly through a FB feed, I would get them.  Unfortunately, there isn't.

I am happy about the time I have retrieved from FB.  I don't scroll, wondering if there are new things.  I don't read stuff I have no interest in simply because it was there in my feed.  I also don't get misdirected and subtly influenced by FB's algorithm anymore.

Doing this has made me more aware of the other networks that I touch and how they react.  For example, a Youtuber I watch occasionally made a video about her dating life - in the past, she identified as straight, and thought the stories that her straight male friends told about dating were exaggerated or not important.  Then she came out as bi, went on some dates with women, and experienced the exact same frustrating behaviours that her straight male friends had complained about.  I think her politics and beliefs are similar to mine; this wasn't some right wing 'women are the worst' kind of garbage, just an acknowledgement that a new environment brings new perspective.

Youtube immediately begane shoving 'Feminist gets owned by LOGIC' and 'Watch Jordan Peterson demolish liberal snowflakes' videos at me.  A single video was enough to give it the clue that I might be receptive to the MRA / PUA / antifeminist outrage machine.

It doesn't matter that the Youtuber in question doesn't believe in any of that garbage, nor that I don't.  Youtube wants clicks, outrage gets clicks, so it is endlessly searching for something that will outrage me so I will click and click and click.

Algorithms have figured out that I like Hearthstone videos.  It knows I play World of Warcraft and will check out news stories about it.  These things are useful!  But they also desperately try to get me hooked on bigotry and tribalism because that is how you make money.  I don't know the best way for society to cope with this.  I am sure that the increasing polarization of society is in large part attributable to social media and algorithms, and I think long term that is going to cause some serious damage.  

Unfortunately just knowing that something is a problem doesn't automatically lead you to solutions.  I don't know how we all tackle this.  I just know that I am going to remove myself from the mess as much as possible.  I don't want it anymore, both because I think it is bad for my personal life, and also because I think it is bad for humans as a whole.

Murder school

Wendy and I have been homeschooling Pinkie Pie for a month now.  We didn't want to risk sending her to school in person, and the virtual school would be a nightmare for her.  She can't learn by watching a teacher on a screen for hours and hours.  We aren't sticking to any kind of fixed curriculum though, because it works much better if we just teach whatever comes up.  Of course we find things to bring up during lessons, but at least half of any given lesson is just answering odd questions that Pinkie Pie asks.

For example, during a history lesson the housing crisis of 2007 came up.  Then questions about the Great Depression got asked.  By the time the tangent was resolved I had talked about mortgages, the stock market, erosion, housing, banking regulation, and a bunch of other things.  Pinkie Pie isn't going to get the kind of focused education you get in school, but she sure is going to learn all kinds of stuff.

The best question so far though came up during a Math Walk on Friday.  (Math Walks are where she and I take a half hour walk and practice math as we go.)  Pinkie Pie asked "So, where would you stab someone if you wanted them to die really fast?"

This is the kind of parenting question I live for.

She clarified that she wasn't planning on murdering anyone.  She had a story in mind and wanted a character to be some sort of assassin or something, and to write a character that knows how to efficiently kill someone, the author needs to know how to efficiently kill someone!

My teaching fu was strong that day.  I lead off with the general observation that many wounds can be eventually fatal, but is it the brain, heart, and lungs that will kill you extremely rapidly if they are damaged.  I talked about the way the lungs take in oxygen, covered the gas composition of air, touched on photosynthesis, discussed blood flow and heartbeat, explained the heart - lungs - heart - body system, and explained the defensive purpose of the skull and ribcage.

In the end I summed up by telling her that any large amount of trauma to the centre torso is likely fatal, but that if you want to kill someone easily you can just stab them in the neck.  Necks are easier to attack than brains are, most of the time.

She seemed quite happy with the detail of my response, and presumably spent a bunch of time over the last few days writing scenes of mayhem and murder in her newest fictional world.

Either that, or she is going to stab me in my sleep someday soon.  

Probably in the neck.

Hedging towards disaster

Donald Trump has made a hobby of defying democratic norms.  Some norms aren't important, of course, and many of them need to die, but there are norms that are critical for society to function and for people to have confidence in their government.  For example, people in elections shouldn't be calling for their opponents to be arrested, or threatening to arrest them should the election go a particular way.  That sort of behaviour can destroy a democracy.  Another key norm is that politicians agree that if they lose an election that they will peaceably accept the result, rather than insisting on becoming a dictator or instigating a civil war.

This last norm is one Trump has been insistent on ignoring in recent times, and it is a terrifying prospect.  Trump hasn't outright said that if he loses that there should be a civil war and he will stay in office indefinitely as a dictator.  He knows that saying that right now would be too much.  It would be a risk for him personally, as calling for civil war is the sort of thing that can get you impeached, imprisoned, or killed.  Vaguely avoiding the question of abdicating power and suggesting that the electoral process is tained and fraudulent won't get you put in prison though, so it is safe.  Safe for Trump, at least, but it absolutely threatens democracy in the US.

I think Trump has a plan here.  He is a fool and an asshole, but he has plenty of raw cunning, and he knows that if he gets up and yells "White people rise up, destroy the government and install me as dictator for life!" that he risks everything.  If instead he merely tries to convince people that elections are pointless and cozies up to white nationalist militias, he might find himself installed as a dictator anyway if the election doesn't go his way.  He can get people riled up and ready to fight if he loses, especially if the margin is tight.  If they don't rise up for him, well, he lost anyway, so no great loss.  If they do rise up for him and win, well, great, then he wins!

Classic Trump.  He aims to get other people to take all the risks that will make him personally a huge profit, and if things go south he has it set up so he can jettison them completely and sail off unscathed.

I am deeply concerned.  Demonizing of the free press, constant talk of fradulent elections, musings on delaying elections as an obvious power grab, these are things you see in states that are about to fail and collapse into dictatorships.

People often yell about how *this* election is the important one, much more important than the others.  I usually don't buy into that.  Every election matters, and we constantly get on about how the stuff happening right now is the most important stuff - it never fails.  The likely upcoming election in Canada, for example, is one where I have district preferences for who wins, but I am not fooling myself into thinking that this is *the* election.  It is just *an* election.

But in the US I think we might actually be looking at a decision point between a dictatorship and democracy.  If Trump wins or loses handily there will be rumblings, no doubt, but the thing that scares me most is if he barely loses.  He has made it clear he has no intention of leaving office should there be any doubt in the result, and he has a Supreme Court packed to defend him no matter what he does.  I worry that he will simply announce that the election wasn't legitimate and he will stay in power until he can arrange a proper one, at a time to be decided later.

A lot of Republicans, and a lot of the power structure, will absolutely stand by him if he does this.  Does that end in a civil war?  A dictatorship?  A quick coup / impeachment?  I don't know, and neither do you.

This is where the erosion of norms takes us.  We need our leaders to model the behaviour of accepting election results, or the populace won't accept them, and that leads to catastrophe.  Trump is much like Littlefinger from Game of Thrones - he is happy to burn down the kingdom as long as it gives him a shot at ruling over the ashes.

A runaway

 Pinkie Pie ran away from home for the first time a couple weeks ago.  She is back and all is well, don't fret.  It was the sort of event that starts from the smallest sort of conflict and blows up for no good reason.  I asked her to clean the bathroom sink, she was in a high anxiety state where she couldn't do it, and I took her electronics away until she got the work done.  This led to her grabbing some things and sneaking out the door to a friend's place for the night, returning the next day. 

When we found that she was missing Wendy and I had different reactions.  Wendy was panicked and started searching the building and streets for Pinkie Pie.  I sat at home.  I figured that things were not at all dangerous, but even if they were we had no way to find her so there was nothing much to do about it.  I messaged the parents of her friends and sat back to play some video games.  We needed one parent home in any case and it was clear that it would be me.  This is definitely the pattern that Wendy and I have had over the years - she needs to *do something* and I coldly calculate that doing things isn't worthwhile, so I  ignore the problem and goof off.  

Many years ago Wendy was coming home from a work trip and I thought she was coming home on Friday night.  She arrived home Saturday night to me saying "huh, you sure are late".  I had just spent the day playing video games despite her not being home.  She couldn't figure out how I could have been so calm, but the way I saw it if her plane had crashed and she was dead in the Atlantic there is nothing I could do about it, might as well play video games.  If somehow I had got the flight info wrong and all was well, I should also play video games.  So I played video games!

We had to debate what to do about all of this.  Some parents would instinctually want to punish and yell, but neither of us had much interest in that.  Honestly if a kid is so upset that can't deal with being at home anymore I think running to a nearby friend's home to spend the night is a reasonable reaction.  It can't be the default response to a simple chore, but sometimes stuff gets overwhelming, I get that.  We made it clear that the problem was not telling us what was going on, talked about how she felt, and moved on.

I certainly made her clean the bathroom sink the next day though, you can be sure of that.

I remember running away when I was little.  Much younger than Pinkie Pie for sure.  I grabbed some stuff and headed off into the snow, and ended up sitting at the sawmill in the back field.  My parents eventually showed up and talked to me, and then went back home and waited for me to calm down and return.  I had intended never to return, but naturally I sat in the cold for a few hours and then came home.  I recall the incident that started this and while it is a small thing in retrospect, it was a huge deal to me at the time.

This is the sort of way I want to handle things.  My parents didn't scream at me or punish me - they discussed the incident, agreed that everyone hadn't handled it all that well, and reassured me.  They accepted that I was upset, but made it clear that there wasn't any choice in coming home... but I could do it on my own time.

That was a great way to handle it, I think, and I tried to emulate that with Pinkie Pie.  I hope I succeeded.  In any case we all agreed that we hadn't done things perfectly but that we would try to improve.  We acknowleged each other's feelings and needs, and moved on.  Nothing has come of it since.

Dealing with small people's feelings with empthy and understanding is a damn lot of work.  It is a lot more humane and effective than yelling, but geez it isn't easy.

So you want to talk about race

I read the book So You Want to Talk About Race recently.  I picked it up in part because I have been having some difficult discussions about race with people I know and I wanted to look for suggestions that might help me get my point across.  I try to start off arguing carefully, knowing that "Wow, you are super racist" usually doesn't put people in a receptive mood.  However, after awhile, I end up saying "Yeah, actually, the things you are saying are racist, and your beliefs are extremely destructive" and then no more useful conversation happens.

You see, being called a racist is pretty much the worst thing that can happen, which means that since white people get called racist, racism is mostly a thing that happens to white people.  Or so it has been argued at me, at any rate.

ARRRGGGGHHHH.

This book is a useful tool when having these sorts of discussions.  It covers a bunch of practical topics like microaggressions, the model minority myth, police violence, and many others.  I already knew the great majority of the facts the book covers, but I did find the model minority chapter quite informative.  It isn't a deep dive into any one topic, and it isn't a scholarly work.  It is a simple book for the average person who wants to learn about the subject, and it fills that niche cleanly.

This is one of the few books that I will give an absolutely unqualified Read This Book rating.  I agree with all of it, and I want everyone to have this information.  It is quick, well written, effectively organized, and informative.  If you want to have a conversation about race, this is a great place to start, particularly because the author aims parts of the discussion at white people, and parts at people of colour, with the goal of helping either of those groups improve understanding and communicate effectively.

Sometimes people are convinced by research.  Sometimes they are convinced by personal stories with high emotional content.  The book has both things, covering all the angles.

Next time I have someone ask me for a recommendation because they want to understand the subject better I will definitely tell them to read So You Want To Talk about Race.  Better that then trying to learn by listening to an angry white guy, methinks.  I have all the vitriol, but not the qualifications.