When I first started realizing that I was pan/bi/queer I wanted to write about it immediately. I process feelings best by putting them down in text, particularly when I am shipping them out to the world. However, I decided that I shouldn't make a big coming out post until I had actually, you know, had sex with a man.
I should make sure I actually know what I am talking about before I go and make a big scene about it, or so went the thinking at the time.
Trouble is, I started thinking about how I would go about having a first time, and that was stressful and felt bad. It didn't seem like the right thing to do for some reason.
While I was wrestling with the right way to approach this situation I ended up watching the queer musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch. When the movie ended I was awash in tears, struggling to contain the emotions swirling within me. The base emotion was all about the queer men in the show, feeling connected to their story and struggle, feeling their fear and joy.
That base emotion led to a further emotion of tremendous vulnerability. Now I have a trait that can reduce me to tears effortlessly, and make me weak to attack. Now I can be more easily hurt, but honestly I am not worried about people coming after me for being queer. What hit me hardest was that people could use that as a lever against those I protect. A cornerstone of my identity is myself as guardian of those I love, and the feeling that now I am worse at that because of my vulnerability was a tough thing to cope with. My loved ones deserve an invincible juggernaut holding the line, not a weepy mess.
I knew this vulnerability existed before, for other people. I could have described it clearly. There is a big difference between *knowing* a thing and *feeling* a thing though, no doubt about that. I have spent my life having so much privilege, and having some of it suddenly vanish was quite a thing to adjust to.
The next feeling in the cascade was a terrible case of impostor syndrome. Why do I deserve to claim this identity at all? I haven't actually gone out and had sex with a man, I haven't been discriminated against because of queerness, how can I be having all these feelings when I don't really belong? I felt like a ridiculous fraud, trying to be in a space I had no business occupying.
This feeling makes no sense logically. When I was 19 I had never touched a woman in a sexual fashion, but I sure as hell knew I wanted to have sex with Gillian Anderson. (Scully from the XFiles). I didn't need to have sex with her to be sure! I have friends who are bi/pan/queer who have only had sex with one sex/gender and I certainly accept their identity, because you don't have to have sex to have the attraction. If someone tells me their orientation I accept it, I don't ask for pics as proof.
So why do I have such a harsh standard for myself, when I would never apply it to anyone else? I know what I want and who I am, and that is all that is required.
Of course I can determine logically that my feelings are irrational, but that isn't exactly a ticket to not having feelings anymore.
What I can do though is decide that I should write a coming out post regardless of what I have or have not touched. I can proclaim an identity that I couldn't prove in a court of law, but which I know to be valid and true. I can also just accept that there is no need to rush, no benchmark that must be met. I can run out and get it on if I want, or I can wait five years for just the right man to show up and rock my world.
I don't know where the path leads, but I am on it, 'qualified' or not. Here I go.
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