Crooked

In August 2023 something new happened to my brain.  I felt it clearly, and described it as 'A key turning in a lock, and a door opening'.  I felt a clear image of a door slowly rumbling open, looking like a tomb door in an Indiana Jones movie.  I could feel the dust shaking down, and just barely begin to see through the crack... and what I saw behind the door was pretty gay.  Not gay as a perjorative, but gay as in 'Damn, men are *cute* now!'

I have always been straight.  I tried a few experiments with men over the years, admittedly fairly modest experiments, and the result was simply 'meh'.  It wasn't objectionable, it just didn't have the magic.  I have liked the idea of being bisexual / pansexual / queer for a long time, but my instinctive reactions just didn't do the thing.  I figured that is just how I am, the way I got built.  You can be as comfortable with skydiving as you want, but if you feel bored when you jump, find a new hobby.

Over August and September I consciously felt my brain rewriting itself, smashing old pathways down and opening up new ones.  Every week I felt more comfort with attractions to men, more desire to try that out, and identified more with queer men in media.

I haven't even acted on this yet in any physical way, and yet I am organizing queer musical nights, watching Elton John biopics, and then deciding I *have* to get myself some of those clothes.

I have also felt my emotions changing.  For many months now I have been more overtly emotional, more easily brought to tears from shows or speeches, and regularly overwhelmed just by thinking about things in my life that used to be no big deal.  It isn't that I am unhappy, far from it, just that the highs are higher and the lows are lower.  I suppose that might not be linked to the sudden change in orientation, but the timing certainly looks suspicious.

What I haven't done is stopped being interested in women.  I haven't suddenly gone full gay, I just flipped over the menu and saw some great new stuff on the back I never knew about before.

The thing I really want to know is why this happened now.  I have been thinking hard about the various things that happened to me over the past year, and there are a few candidates for causes, but the evidence is circumstantial at best.  I got a rainbow tattoo, at the time as a show of solidarity to the queer people in my life.  I painted the fence of my house rainbow for the same reasons.

That painting job was neat in that the children seeing it loved it, and most of the adults thought it was cute... but a couple adults saw the rainbow and absolutely lit up with joy.  You sure could tell the adults who were queer and got hit right in the feelings.

But none of that is a cause for a brain rewrite.  I just don't know why this happened, and I don't know why it happened now.  I was raised in a homophobic era, with the AIDS epidemic combining with regular old bigotry to make 'that's gay' the standard default insult.  My family was comfortable with touch and accepting of differences, but the kids at school and media at large told me the rule is:  You don't touch another man except with a closed fist, you don't talk about feelings, and you don't ever admit you might be attracted to a man.  Even if you get good messaging at home, that sort of thing leaves marks, and maybe it just took me 30 years to tear those walls down.

Again though, that is an explanation, but there is no proof.

One thing I think about is how my story feels different than most I have heard.  Mostly the story I have heard is 'I knew I liked women, but I couldn't really admit it to myself, and definitely couldn't admit it to others'.  My story doesn't sound like that.  I was straight until I wasn't.  That doesn't make it wrong or anything, just different.

I also didn't hesitate to write a coming out post, even though I haven't actually done anything measureable yet.  Several people who are close to me couldn't quite puzzle through why I would do this.  They don't think I should lie or anything, they just didn't understand why it was anyone else's business.  Nobody should care, and I don't owe the public anything, basically.

I have two reasons for writing this.  The first is my desire to set an example.  Every person who comes out makes it incrementally easier for the next people to do so.  Every example of living loud and proud removes a small burden from those who wish to follow that path.  I don't claim that everyone is obligated to be out - it is a personal choice for each of us.  I, however, have partners who love me, family and friends who accept me either way, and security from the rest of the world.  If anyone should be out, I should be first in line.

The second is that I only want people in my life who know me.  I want to spend my time with those who know all of me and love what they see.  If someone doesn't want to be with a queer man, then I absolutely want them to go away.  I think many people are afraid that is they come out, their friends will go away.  I, on the other hand, am afraid that if I don't come out I will spend time around people who don't like the person I am.  I want to live openly and truthfully, and I know there are people that will want to be with me as I am.

Words can be tricky.  Bisexual is the most accurate, clear term.  Pansexual is pretty similar, but less well known.  Queer has a lot of aesthetic appeal, but lacks precision.  I figure I will use them all depending on the circumstance.

I intend to write more posts about this.  There have been some powerful emotional moments over the past few months and I want to talk about them.  Also this transition has given me new insight that I want to share.  I do hope that the renovations in my brain slow down a bit though - it has been a lot these last couple months.