A runaway

 Pinkie Pie ran away from home for the first time a couple weeks ago.  She is back and all is well, don't fret.  It was the sort of event that starts from the smallest sort of conflict and blows up for no good reason.  I asked her to clean the bathroom sink, she was in a high anxiety state where she couldn't do it, and I took her electronics away until she got the work done.  This led to her grabbing some things and sneaking out the door to a friend's place for the night, returning the next day. 

When we found that she was missing Wendy and I had different reactions.  Wendy was panicked and started searching the building and streets for Pinkie Pie.  I sat at home.  I figured that things were not at all dangerous, but even if they were we had no way to find her so there was nothing much to do about it.  I messaged the parents of her friends and sat back to play some video games.  We needed one parent home in any case and it was clear that it would be me.  This is definitely the pattern that Wendy and I have had over the years - she needs to *do something* and I coldly calculate that doing things isn't worthwhile, so I  ignore the problem and goof off.  

Many years ago Wendy was coming home from a work trip and I thought she was coming home on Friday night.  She arrived home Saturday night to me saying "huh, you sure are late".  I had just spent the day playing video games despite her not being home.  She couldn't figure out how I could have been so calm, but the way I saw it if her plane had crashed and she was dead in the Atlantic there is nothing I could do about it, might as well play video games.  If somehow I had got the flight info wrong and all was well, I should also play video games.  So I played video games!

We had to debate what to do about all of this.  Some parents would instinctually want to punish and yell, but neither of us had much interest in that.  Honestly if a kid is so upset that can't deal with being at home anymore I think running to a nearby friend's home to spend the night is a reasonable reaction.  It can't be the default response to a simple chore, but sometimes stuff gets overwhelming, I get that.  We made it clear that the problem was not telling us what was going on, talked about how she felt, and moved on.

I certainly made her clean the bathroom sink the next day though, you can be sure of that.

I remember running away when I was little.  Much younger than Pinkie Pie for sure.  I grabbed some stuff and headed off into the snow, and ended up sitting at the sawmill in the back field.  My parents eventually showed up and talked to me, and then went back home and waited for me to calm down and return.  I had intended never to return, but naturally I sat in the cold for a few hours and then came home.  I recall the incident that started this and while it is a small thing in retrospect, it was a huge deal to me at the time.

This is the sort of way I want to handle things.  My parents didn't scream at me or punish me - they discussed the incident, agreed that everyone hadn't handled it all that well, and reassured me.  They accepted that I was upset, but made it clear that there wasn't any choice in coming home... but I could do it on my own time.

That was a great way to handle it, I think, and I tried to emulate that with Pinkie Pie.  I hope I succeeded.  In any case we all agreed that we hadn't done things perfectly but that we would try to improve.  We acknowleged each other's feelings and needs, and moved on.  Nothing has come of it since.

Dealing with small people's feelings with empthy and understanding is a damn lot of work.  It is a lot more humane and effective than yelling, but geez it isn't easy.

So you want to talk about race

I read the book So You Want to Talk About Race recently.  I picked it up in part because I have been having some difficult discussions about race with people I know and I wanted to look for suggestions that might help me get my point across.  I try to start off arguing carefully, knowing that "Wow, you are super racist" usually doesn't put people in a receptive mood.  However, after awhile, I end up saying "Yeah, actually, the things you are saying are racist, and your beliefs are extremely destructive" and then no more useful conversation happens.

You see, being called a racist is pretty much the worst thing that can happen, which means that since white people get called racist, racism is mostly a thing that happens to white people.  Or so it has been argued at me, at any rate.

ARRRGGGGHHHH.

This book is a useful tool when having these sorts of discussions.  It covers a bunch of practical topics like microaggressions, the model minority myth, police violence, and many others.  I already knew the great majority of the facts the book covers, but I did find the model minority chapter quite informative.  It isn't a deep dive into any one topic, and it isn't a scholarly work.  It is a simple book for the average person who wants to learn about the subject, and it fills that niche cleanly.

This is one of the few books that I will give an absolutely unqualified Read This Book rating.  I agree with all of it, and I want everyone to have this information.  It is quick, well written, effectively organized, and informative.  If you want to have a conversation about race, this is a great place to start, particularly because the author aims parts of the discussion at white people, and parts at people of colour, with the goal of helping either of those groups improve understanding and communicate effectively.

Sometimes people are convinced by research.  Sometimes they are convinced by personal stories with high emotional content.  The book has both things, covering all the angles.

Next time I have someone ask me for a recommendation because they want to understand the subject better I will definitely tell them to read So You Want To Talk about Race.  Better that then trying to learn by listening to an angry white guy, methinks.  I have all the vitriol, but not the qualifications.