Want what you want

I just read a Savage Love post that got me thinking about what people think is okay to demand in a relationship.  In the post the letter writer complained that twenty years ago his wife said that she would never kiss him or give him oral sex again, and he was looking for permission to divorce her.  (Kinda late, though, wouldn't you say?)

Dan basically told him he could divorce his wife if he wanted.  Because obviously if you are unhappy you are allowed to get a divorce!

The comments afterwards though were interesting.  Some people thought that withdrawing oral sex in such a way was unacceptable, some thought that it was fine but withdrawing kissing was unacceptable.  There was a lively debate about exactly how much physical intimacy should be required in a relationship.

I think so many people, nearly all the commenters included, miss the boat on this one.  The key is this:  There is NO universal standard.  There is no thing that your partner has to do such that not doing it is righteous and proper justification for breaking up.  You can break up righteously any time you want, for any reason or no reason.  You do not owe anyone a relationship.

There are the basic decencies we owe everyone, of course.  But a partner can demand kissing.  Or they can demand no kissing.  They can demand flowers every day, sexy Santa/Elf roleplay, living in different cities, or eighteen children by age 40.  And you can demand your own things, and if each person's demands are not met, they can leave.

I would say that we do owe each other honesty about our demands.  Trotting them out only after a partner has made a critical commitment is shitty.  On the other hand, people do change, and we don't have to be the same person for our entire lives.

In so many relationships, in advice columns and in real life, I see people asking the question "Is this thing my partner did so bad that I am allowed to break up with them now?"  They don't phrase it like that of course but this is truly what they are asking.  We have ingrained this idea that relationships must be forever and it is so destructive.  We idolize the idea that a relationship that ends has failed, even though there is no sense in that - a relationship should be judged on what it brings, not whether or not someone died.

You can end a relationship any time you want.  You don't need permission, and you don't need an ironclad reason aside from 'I am not happy with this relationship'. 

I wish more people thought this way.