Is it just me?

In my experience dating various people while being polyamorous I have found meeting metamours to be a challenge.  (Metamours being people who are dating someone I am dating.)  In the early going there were a couple of times that I definitely felt intimidated by a metamour, but only prior to actually meeting them.  The millionaire pilot who was also taller than me was a stand out example of this - I never actually met him, but I felt that insecurity, no doubt about it.

But every time I have met someone I always ended up feeling a sense of comfort and relief upon realizing that this isn't some superhero, just a person.  Someone who has strong points and weaknesses, stuff that is pretty and stuff that is not.  No need to be worried!

When people have met me in this situation though there has been a consistent reaction including some combination of insecurity, jealousy, and fear.  I have been mulling it over the past little while and I just don't know if this sort of thing is universal, mostly just among straight / bi guys, or if it is particular to me.

In theory people don't need to treat this like a competition.  I have lots of friends of widely varying looks, skills, attitudes, and personalities.  There is no need for a friend of mine to be worried about me meeting a new better friend and leaving them behind!  Romantic or sexual relationships could be just the same... but they don't generally seem to be.  I blame culture, mostly, and our instinctive reactions that treat attraction like it exists in a environment of scarcity rather than abundance.

I don't have the experience to judge if this sort of thing pans out the same way amongst women or nonbinary people.  That isn't my life!  My guess is that it is worse among men, in large part because of the way online dating works these days, with women bombarded with offers and men desperately seeking any response at all.  I don't have data to back that hunch though.

I also can't tell how much of it is me, or even what parts of me might be contributing to other people's struggles.  It is easy to see how you could describe me in ways that would contribute to insecurity - "Hey, I am dating a new guy, he is a tall, musclebound weightlifter who studied math in university and designs his own games.  Also he has the sex drive and self confidence normally associated with mythological deities!"  That is a recipe for creating insecurity, and while it does not paint a really accurate picture, it is close enough to the truth to be a problem.

A significant part of it is the emphasis that men place on height and strength, I think.  It doesn't even have to be conscious to be there, a deep primal worry that if you get in a fight with this person, they will crush you.  Tell people that this is a silly thing to worry about all you want, it won't stop them thinking about it.  Thing is, I know that size matters in the creation of insecurity and jealousy, but I don't know how much it actually affects the final outcome.  Do people just find something to be insecure about, no matter how innocuous the person they are considering?

My guess is that insecurity, worry, and jealousy before meeting or at an early meeting is worse among men than among non men, and I further guess that it is worst among straight men.  Also me being big probably makes that even more so in my specific case.  But there isn't anything I can do about it, really.  I already don't have any intention of stealing anybody from anybody, but that rational assessment has jack to do with how people end up feeling.  I wish I didn't create such feelings in other people, but there is no way to achieve that.

A lot may just come down to feeling like you are enough.  If you feel that, truly believe it, you have little to fear.  Even if a person decides they aren't going to be around you any more, there are other people.  Life goes on.

If you don't think you are enough, then you are probably doomed to be insecure no matter what sort of people are involved, and there is no way I can make you feel like you are enough.

I don't want to be different - I am fine with the way I am.  I do wish though that I didn't create these unpleasant waves in the world around me just by existing.