That time I was a god

A few weeks ago I was a god among mortals.

Only for about an hour or so, though.

I wasn't omnipotent or omniscient.  I didn't even have any adventures worthy of an epic story that could serve as a creation myth for a whole culture.

I was a god in the sense that I had shed the terrible things that forever weigh down mere mortals - fear, doubt, and worry.  Being a god isn't about the ability to create worlds or live forever, it is just about setting aside negative feelings and exulting in being yourself, being entirely, totally happy with who you are and what you will do.  It is about being enough.

Becoming a god didn't require radiation, dark matter, ambrosia, or a scientific experiment gone wild.  All it took was trying a new substance to achieve an altered mental state.  I will call said substance M.

I always have a division in my brain.  I am both Director and Passion, cold and hot, detached and engaged, thinking and being.  Usually though Director is in charge, and it is quite difficult to get him to let go and let Passion run the show.  Even when that happens Director is hovering there, not letting Passion quite have full control.  However, M allowed Passion to assume command completely and without reservation.

I looked around the world and saw all those people running from place to place desperately trying to placate their terrors.  They fretted about abandonment, about failure, about suffering.  I was no longer among them, no longer one of them, because I no longer shared that most basic of drives - the desire to minimize my own distress.  Because I *had* no distress.  About anything.

It turns out that feels a lot like being a god.  In fact, I told people at the time that I was a god among mortals.  I knew that if I was stabbed I would bleed.  I knew that if I acted silly people would laugh at me.  I knew that I could die.  I wasn't confused about physics.

But none of that *mattered*.

I had no fear, doubt, or disbelief.  I had freed my mind.


I knew I couldn't jump from building to building though.  You can only do that in movies.

But there simply was no worry.  Sure, if I fell off a building I would die.  That seems like a bad idea.  Living is more fun than dying.  But there was no fear there.  None.  Only mortals worry about death.

I didn't feel the urge to run out and do things.  No need, really.  I was supremely satisfied with just sitting there, basking in the knowledge that I am all that I need to be.  When I got hungry, I ate.  I didn't worry that I needed to offer other people food.  That is *their* problem to solve.  When I wanted to just stand in the middle of the room and stretch because that felt good, well I did just that, without concern that other people might want to use the middle of the room.

Other people don't like Passion as well as they like Director.  Passion is impulsive and self absorbed.  He bears no one any ill will - after all, why would a god bother having a grudge against a mere mortal? but he isn't someone who will offer you lots of support when you need it.  Director is generally a likeable person because he tries hard to smooth things over, avoid conflicts, and help everyone else get what they need.

Passion doesn't want to avoid conflicts.  Why would he?  He isn't worried about winning you over to his side, since you are welcome to disagree with him and be wrong.  He doesn't need your affirmation to feel good and secure.  Ants may well be sure that the world is flat, but the opinions of ants are irrelevant.

But apparently Passion is pretty hot.  Confidence is sexy, and nobody has more confidence than him.  He does the bad boy thing perfectly.  He is happy if you want to join his party, but if you don't he won't be the least bit bothered, because he can party by himself without feeling the least bit self conscious.  That certainty, that unshakeable belief in self, ensures that he won't have to party alone.

The people with me were somewhat worried.  Was this the new normal?  Is this just how Sky acts now?

No, it isn't.  This isn't some new thing that has just appeared and taken over.  This is just a pure manifestation of something that has always been there.  That perfect confidence, that godlike assurance, is buried deep in me.  Passion is always there, usually in his cage, pacing, waiting to get out.  Director keeps him there so he doesn't cause trouble.  But nothing that happened when I tried M was a surprise - I knew that was all there for a long time now.  All that changed was that Director was able to let go and simply back away, allowing Passion to *be*.

For all those fretting that I am going to be addicted to something new, stop.  It has been weeks, M has extremely low risk, and while it was fun and I will do this again sometime I am not going to suddenly become a junkie.  I just tried something new and it was a powerful experience.  Not something that will happen every day.

It does make me wonder though.  Could I be Passion totally and completely without any assistance from M?  Is there a way I could design my life so that I can be a god all of the time, instead of just a tiny fraction of the time?  I tend to think not.  Hell, it probably isn't even a good idea, but it is an appealing one.  Divinity is apparently within my reach, and if the stories are any indication mortals are really bad at resisting the temptation to taste of the nectar of the gods.