I need more filth

My new routine, which I outlined in my previous post, seems to be working.  I have determined that I need to work out, clean things, shop, and write every day before I take any time to goof off on the internet.  Elli is on a similar routine and that structure seems to be a good one, despite the rocky start and initial shock.

I have a problem though.

My condo isn't dirty enough.  After five days of mandatory cleaning time the bathroom is sparkling.  I can't just throw another cleaning session at it, so today I cleaned the stove.  It has been a long time since I did that, and honestly I don't even remember how long.  But it isn't 'oh, was it January or February when I cleaned it last?' but rather more like 'Have I cleaned this thing since my kid was born twelve years ago?'

The stove is clean now.  Sort of.  I mean, twelve years of baked on stuff doesn't come off easy, but it is certainly cleaner than yesterday.

But I am running out of things I should clean.  There will be many days yet where I can find something that needs it but it has become clear that I have at most a month of reasonably useful cleaning before I will be doing absolutely pointless busywork. 

I just need somebody to come by my place and dump a potful of dirt on my floor every day so I can spend fifteen minutes cleaning up the mess and then proceed to gaming with my conscience free and clear.

Anyone want to volunteer?

Discipline

I have been struggling these past few weeks with structure.  I have been playing Civilization 6, and it has had me One More Turning late into the night at times.  I have also been unable to keep on top of my duties at home, and have found myself desperately rushing off to the store to get ingredients for dinner and serving dinner late because I was too absorbed. 

It isn't good.

I mean, the game is great.  I get so into it, and that feels wonderful.  But I gotta stop throwing the rest of life by the wayside to get my fix.

Pinkie Pie has been in a similar situation.  She struggles with mornings and so she wants to watch a few videos when she wakes up.  I am fine with her doing this, but it always ends up being a mess.  She watches too much, and doesn't want to interrupt a video in the middle, and we get stuck where I run back and forth between what I am doing and her, trying to get her to do things.

Also not good.

So we are embarking on a new program.  Both of us will have to do all of our daily chores before we can do our computer based goofing off.  Reading, writing, exercise, and learning for her.  Writing, weight lifting, cleaning, and shopping for me.  Unless all those things are done I will not be doing my internet goofing off.  I can't cheat - I have to find something significant and clean it every day, even if nothing is sticking out.

I feel so much better having set this up.  I want to lose myself in a game, and if I consistently make sure my chores are all done beforehand I can do so without remorse or regret.

Pinkie Pie is less enthusiastic.  I think us doing this together will help though, as I won't be enforcing rules on her that I am not willing to follow myself.  Hopefully we don't have to fight too much about it.

The unthinkable

I am going to do something that is normally unthinkable for me:  I am going to applaud the leader of Ontario's Conservative Party.  Doug Ford is a dangerous idiot with too much power, but today he did the right thing.

The Ontario Conservative Party passed a motion at their annual meeting to debate removing all references to gender identity from Ontario's sex education curriculum.  It is sad that this passed at all, but not surprising - the Conservative Party is the de facto home for all of the best types of bigotry.  They didn't just want to control how the subject is addressed, they wanted it completely banned. 

You know you are doing it wrong when you decide that the thing to do is use the law to prevent children from learning about how some people feel.  It is right up there with "we are going to burn all of the books" on the list of things you should be worried about advocating.

But our premier decided to quash that completely and made it clear he will do anything he can to prevent this even being debated, much less implemented.  Good! 

He isn't doing this because he is a decent person, obviously.  It is a calculated move to keep the rabid bigot base of the Conservatives from blowing up his chances at reelection.  He knows that most people are largely against these sorts of things, and that he will be correctly painted as an intolerant asshole in the next election.  Adding ammunition to those charges is not a thing he wants.  He needs to be just enough of a bigot to please his base, but not so much that he pisses off the middle ground who are willing to put up with *some* evil, but not *too much* evil.

You have to sneak these sorts of things in under the guise of helping, by carefully making up nonsense about how the old curriculum wasn't giving parents 'choice'.  This resolution was too obviously bigotry, and the public won't stand for that.  They insist on their oppression being wily and stealthily coming in the side window.  Knocking on the front door and saying 'Delivery of evil for Ontario' won't fly.

So yeah, Doug Ford did something right for all the wrong reasons.  Yay!

That time I was a god

A few weeks ago I was a god among mortals.

Only for about an hour or so, though.

I wasn't omnipotent or omniscient.  I didn't even have any adventures worthy of an epic story that could serve as a creation myth for a whole culture.

I was a god in the sense that I had shed the terrible things that forever weigh down mere mortals - fear, doubt, and worry.  Being a god isn't about the ability to create worlds or live forever, it is just about setting aside negative feelings and exulting in being yourself, being entirely, totally happy with who you are and what you will do.  It is about being enough.

Becoming a god didn't require radiation, dark matter, ambrosia, or a scientific experiment gone wild.  All it took was trying a new substance to achieve an altered mental state.  I will call said substance M.

I always have a division in my brain.  I am both Director and Passion, cold and hot, detached and engaged, thinking and being.  Usually though Director is in charge, and it is quite difficult to get him to let go and let Passion run the show.  Even when that happens Director is hovering there, not letting Passion quite have full control.  However, M allowed Passion to assume command completely and without reservation.

I looked around the world and saw all those people running from place to place desperately trying to placate their terrors.  They fretted about abandonment, about failure, about suffering.  I was no longer among them, no longer one of them, because I no longer shared that most basic of drives - the desire to minimize my own distress.  Because I *had* no distress.  About anything.

It turns out that feels a lot like being a god.  In fact, I told people at the time that I was a god among mortals.  I knew that if I was stabbed I would bleed.  I knew that if I acted silly people would laugh at me.  I knew that I could die.  I wasn't confused about physics.

But none of that *mattered*.

I had no fear, doubt, or disbelief.  I had freed my mind.


I knew I couldn't jump from building to building though.  You can only do that in movies.

But there simply was no worry.  Sure, if I fell off a building I would die.  That seems like a bad idea.  Living is more fun than dying.  But there was no fear there.  None.  Only mortals worry about death.

I didn't feel the urge to run out and do things.  No need, really.  I was supremely satisfied with just sitting there, basking in the knowledge that I am all that I need to be.  When I got hungry, I ate.  I didn't worry that I needed to offer other people food.  That is *their* problem to solve.  When I wanted to just stand in the middle of the room and stretch because that felt good, well I did just that, without concern that other people might want to use the middle of the room.

Other people don't like Passion as well as they like Director.  Passion is impulsive and self absorbed.  He bears no one any ill will - after all, why would a god bother having a grudge against a mere mortal? but he isn't someone who will offer you lots of support when you need it.  Director is generally a likeable person because he tries hard to smooth things over, avoid conflicts, and help everyone else get what they need.

Passion doesn't want to avoid conflicts.  Why would he?  He isn't worried about winning you over to his side, since you are welcome to disagree with him and be wrong.  He doesn't need your affirmation to feel good and secure.  Ants may well be sure that the world is flat, but the opinions of ants are irrelevant.

But apparently Passion is pretty hot.  Confidence is sexy, and nobody has more confidence than him.  He does the bad boy thing perfectly.  He is happy if you want to join his party, but if you don't he won't be the least bit bothered, because he can party by himself without feeling the least bit self conscious.  That certainty, that unshakeable belief in self, ensures that he won't have to party alone.

The people with me were somewhat worried.  Was this the new normal?  Is this just how Sky acts now?

No, it isn't.  This isn't some new thing that has just appeared and taken over.  This is just a pure manifestation of something that has always been there.  That perfect confidence, that godlike assurance, is buried deep in me.  Passion is always there, usually in his cage, pacing, waiting to get out.  Director keeps him there so he doesn't cause trouble.  But nothing that happened when I tried M was a surprise - I knew that was all there for a long time now.  All that changed was that Director was able to let go and simply back away, allowing Passion to *be*.

For all those fretting that I am going to be addicted to something new, stop.  It has been weeks, M has extremely low risk, and while it was fun and I will do this again sometime I am not going to suddenly become a junkie.  I just tried something new and it was a powerful experience.  Not something that will happen every day.

It does make me wonder though.  Could I be Passion totally and completely without any assistance from M?  Is there a way I could design my life so that I can be a god all of the time, instead of just a tiny fraction of the time?  I tend to think not.  Hell, it probably isn't even a good idea, but it is an appealing one.  Divinity is apparently within my reach, and if the stories are any indication mortals are really bad at resisting the temptation to taste of the nectar of the gods.

From scratch

Since this September I have been homeschooling Pinkie Pie.  It is a challenging process, in large part because the struggles that she had with school are only partially solved by being at home.  She still does not deal well with mandatory routines, or producing work, or mornings.  Homeschooling is better than regular schooling for her so we are continuing on this track.

It is better than I had thought though, especially as my mental health goes.  I had real worries that this was going to be a disaster for me leaving me miserable and trapped.  Being home with my kid all day every day isn't my ideal, no doubt, but it hasn't been as rough as I anticipated.

We have iterated through a few different ways of teaching math and the current one is a hit.  Pinkie Pie is playing Prodigy, an online RPG where you play a wizard wandering about the world doing standard fantasy type quests.  The trick is that you have to correctly solve a math problem every time you want to cast a spell at the enemies.  Prodigy covers a huge range of different math types and seems like it is carefully engineered to test the entire standard school math curriculum.  An advantage of using this sort of program is that it doesn't have to stick to a fixed grade level.  It adjusts constantly based on how many wrong answers the user inputs and it has already moved Pinkie Pie up to grade 8 math.  This was a real surprise to me because she missed half of grade 6 math with her problems in school but she is learning at a tremendous rate.  Prodigy does need me to step in and teach her how things work rather than just how to get the correct answers but it is an amazing tool; far superior to the other systems we have tried.

We have also recently signed her up for an outdoor nature recreation type program once a week.  They focus on environmental stewardship, survival skills, learning about nature, and playing games outdoors.  If nothing else it is a good way to get her a lot of exercise, and I think she will get a lot more out of it than that.

This process has certainly made me appreciate my financial position.  We aren't wealthy by any means but we are in a position to sign Pinkie Pie up for extra programs when she shows interest.  We have enough money to keep me at home to teach her, rather than just sending her to school to be miserable in a heap.  That is a degree of monetary stability a lot of people don't have, and doing this is giving me an appreciation for it.

It isn't perfect.  I still need more alone time and more of a break than I am getting.  I am still not doing a nearly good enough job and I have to pour more energy into structure and keeping Pinkie Pie on track.  These things are at odds though, which is hard.  Doing all the normal homemaker stuff, educating, doing fun things, workout time, and getting my introvert time just doesn't leave sufficient hours in the day for things like sleep.

I feel stretched.  Not as stretched as I thought I would be at the outset though, so that is a good thing.  Hopefully with more practice at it I will get better and we will both find a way through our troubles.

I wish for better advertising

I saw a poster in my local grocery store that showed a picture of a woman with a child, and talked about 'raising a food lover'.  The store also has all the employees wear shirts that say 'we love food'.

The marketing personnel who came up with this really ought to be ashamed of themselves.  You know who loves food?  Nearly everyone.  Do you know what a grocery store has to offer in terms of turning your child into a food lover?  Nothing.  People become food lovers because evolution demands it.  You know what happened to all the people who hate food?  They died.  They did not produce many children. 

The 'we love food' thing is the marketing equivalent to unflavoured oatmeal.  Gray, slimy, tasteless garbage.  I wish they would actually say something, anything, to provide me information. 

"We sell substandard food for cheap but the place looks like crap!"

"Our food is expensive but we have lots of employees handing out free samples and fancy music!"

"All of our food is locally sourced!"

These are all actual information that might bring me to a store, if I like their thing.  But instead they are trying to feed me rubbish designed to be inoffensive and boring.  It is like a politician saying 'I want to help struggling families' or a dating profile bragging 'I like travel and I am looking for someone kind and smart'. 

All of them are just wide open displays of cowardice.  Say something real.  Be vulnerable.  Share information!  These desperate attempts to pander to everyone while informing no one get me spitting mad.

Buckley's company message is one I can get behind.  "It tastes terrible, but it works."  +1 to their marketing team, sticking to a message that tells the consumer real things about the product.

Political signs boil my bodily fluids the same way.  They have a simple message - a name.  They don't tell me anything about a candidate, their positions, their record, or anything else.  All I can derive from political signs is that the candidate 1.  Has access to money to buy signs.  and 2.  Has at least one person who likes them.  Having access to money does not tell me anything good about a candidate, and given how the last provincial election went here I would be tempted to vote against someone on that basis if that is all I have available.  We could really use some poor people in office for a change.  Knowing that someone is willing to put that sign on their lawn is also worthless - the politicians I hate have plenty of supporters willing to do that.

It all points to just how much of a farce some of our core concepts of democracy and capitalism are. People don't make sensible economic decisions to benefit themselves.  They buy whatever garbage advertising has associated with curvaceous asses, adorable children, or monetary success.  Voters are swayed by vacuous promises, meaningless appeals to happy feelings, and signs with people's names on them.

Sure, we do make decisions here and there that are truly informed and reasonable.  But advertising works, political lawn signs matter, and a pretty photoshopped face is all you need to sell snake oil.