I might not be able to do it

I find encouragement a puzzling thing.  I recognize what I am 'supposed' to say in situations where people are feeling unsure of themselves, but I don't like doing the standard thing of saying "I am sure you will succeed!" in response.

There is a post by TheFerrett recently that echoes some of my sentiments.  He struggles with people telling him "you got this!" when he expresses doubt or worry about his ability to succeed.  For him, that response is terrifying because he suddenly feels like they assume he will succeed, which means that if he does fail they will see him as an irredeemable loser.  Telling him that you are sure he will overcome just adds to the pressure he is already feeling because he knows that he might not prevail.

What TheFerrett wants them to say is "I will love you even if you fail."  He wants reassurance that his life isn't over if he doesn't manage to get it done.

I don't feel that way.  I find people saying "I know you will succeed!" unpleasant, but not for the same reasons.  I end up being irritated because they are lying to me, or they are refusing to accept my evaluation of the situation.  Most of the time they know that I might fail but they are claiming to feel certain of my success anyway.  I don't want to be lied to.  I don't want to be patronized.  If instead they actually believe it is impossible for me to fail, then they are simply dismissing my assessment of the situation and telling me my doubts are unfounded.  I don't want to be gaslit either.

I know people aren't setting out with lying to me as a goal.  Nor do they plan on belittling me.  Their intent is to make me feel happier and more confident.  Unfortunately intent isn't magic, and those words make things worse for me, not better.

There is another sort of response that I get at times, which is for the listener to leap in and desperately try to solve the problem themselves.  I don't like this because their solution usually involves doing everything their way instead of my way.  Sometimes they have good input but usually I have thought and researched my strategy extensively and it is much better informed than they plan they suggest after a couple seconds of consideration.  I am not looking for rescue.  An offer of "Can I help somehow?" is appreciated, but "Here, this is how you must go about solving your problem." is not.

So what response do I want then?

TheFerrett wants people to tell him that he will still be loved even if he fails.  This isn't such a bad approach with me, because honest encouragement is a fine thing.  But saying "Don't worry, if you fail, I will still love you." isn't exactly the thing I am wanting either.

I am looking for "Oh, that sounds difficult.  What is your strategy to deal with this?"  If I am describing a struggle I am having and my doubts that it will go the way I want it to, I generally just like to have somebody to talk to about it.  Verbalizing my thoughts and plans can lead to greater understanding and refinement of those plans, and an extra brain occasionally comes up with angles I hadn't seen.  Going back and forth with "Okay, so if you are doing X, you must have already figured out how to cope with Y, right?" helps me with my ideas. 

This sort of discussion helps emotionally because I feel better when I have talked out my plans, and can sometimes help logistically by finding flaws in them.

When someone says to me "I don't know if I will succeed at X." my response is to say something like "You are capable of this.  But you might fail anyway.  I will care for you whether or not you fail.  The world is big and history is long, so if you fail, there will be more chances to succeed."  I like this sort of thing because it is encouraging, true, and accepts their doubts and worries as real.  It also correctly positions the consequences of failure as a setback, not a cataclysm.