Awake once more

Pinkie Pie's return to school has been going well so far.  It isn't perfect and full of rainbows and unicorns, but it is working.  That is good enough, and after a year of struggling with homeschooling I will take what I can get.

It is an improvement in her life, no doubt, because staying home with me wasn't ideal.  I have the knowledge to teach her the things she needs but our dynamic was a mess and she wasn't learning all she needed to.  She is still having challenges though, and probably will continue to do so.

But for me, her return to school is a tremendous relief.  Yesterday I did something I haven't done in a year - I got back to designing games.  It wasn't much, but I spent time creating new cards for FMB, altering and balancing others, and printing them out.  A lot of my time ends up being about simple, concrete things like cutting up paper with scissors and putting those slips of paper into card backs so they can be easily used.

I felt something inside me that hasn't been there in a long time.  A powerful desire to build, to create, to continuously improve.  I have been a long time now just coasting, trying to get by.  I have been self medicating by watching too much Youtube and letting images of other people's game experiences be my way of spending time.  That isn't so bad as self medicating goes, but it isn't the joyous flow that I can get from creating my own things.  Youtube marathons will never get me in that zone where time vanishes and I wake up having made something new and wonderful for myself.

This makes me want even more to do whatever it takes to get the school experience to work for Pinkie Pie.  It will be good for her in the long run even if it is a struggle at times, and her being out there will give me the mental space to do things that bring me joy.  It will likely cost me on the sleep front because when I am playing or designing games intensely I find it hard to get the thoughts to stop, to convince my brain to finally shut down.

Given a choice though between the numbness of scrolling videos and the gritty eyed tiredness that comes with creation and flow, I will take the latter every damn time.