The big ask

I usually watch the youtube videos that vlogbrothers put out.  They have consistently interesting and fun material, and I like their politics.  I just saw the latest one though and it pinged one of my pet peeves:  public marriage proposals.  They showed some footage from one as though it was a great and romantic sort of gesture when I tend to see these things as extremely coercive.


Proposals in general are fine, of course.  The problem is putting someone in the terrible position of having to answer such a question in public.  Instead of getting an honest answer you ratchet up the social pressure on them to say yes to a terrifying degree, especially if they don't want to cause you pain and humiliation... which they probably don't, if you have any reason at all for the proposal.

When you try to find out if someone will make a serious legal committment to you, as well as a serious social committment, you ought to make damn sure that they do so freely and happily.  Putting on the pressure in a public situation might end up fine if they are happy to say yes but it totally trashes their ability to ask questions, express doubt, or just say no.

Upon asking such a question you certainly don't want a negative answer but a negative answer then is drastically superior to a cancelled wedding or a divorce.  I know people who ended up married with massive regrets because they felt they couldn't stop the train once it got going, and I have never seen it go well.

If you want to do a big public proposal you have an obligation to ask the person ahead of time.  If they are fine with it then go ahead - surely some people like the idea.  But unless you have confirmed that they want to be put to a serious decision with massive social pressure to answer a particular way in a public setting, bloody well ask in private.

It is hard enough to say no even with nobody watching.  Don't make it worse, especially if you are a man asking a woman.  They get enough pressure to say yes to men already.