I have written about how power exchange (Dom/Sub dynamics) works for me in sexual situations, but I think I wrote it all wrong. The trouble is that I have two distinct personalities and by and large one of them writes the blog posts and the other one has sex.
Director finds the idea of being dominant really intimidating. It is easy to imagine hurting my partner, or pushing them to do something they don't want, or just being too aggressive. Director finds the idea of doing those things terrifying and abhorrent, so he can't be dominant. Being submissive though is easy, because all he has to do is obey. In that moment if the other person wants things to be different they just have to make that clear, and that is their job! For Director, submission is safe.
Passion, on the other hand, finds the idea of submitting irritating. He can do it if required but it certainly isn't a turn on and he would definitely rather not. For Passion being dominant sounds exactly right. Not that Passion feels the desperate need for dominance, but if there is going to be a power exchange at all he definitely wants to be in charge. He wants the other person to enjoy themselves but he would much rather set the pace, give the orders, and expect obedience. He is going to make decisions that he thinks everyone will enjoy, but he wants to be the one making those decisions and isn't worried about screwing up the way Director is.
The reason I didn't understand myself very well is that when I was sitting thinking or writing about sex, about what I want and what I am comfortable with, Director was in charge. Director sees submission as safe but Director also basically doesn't experience lust and desire. At least Director doesn't experience those feelings at anything like the intensity Passion does. As such, I have to be Director to be comfortable submitting, even to be comfortable with being teased, but Director just isn't going to be turned on by it. I can't be both submissive and wildly turned on at the same time.
If I am going to truly enjoy sex, to totally subsume myself in the experience, Passion has to be in charge. If Passion is in charge and some Dom/Sub thing is happening, I need to be dominant. Simple as that. Which means I need to rethink how I approach sex to some extent because it is clear that in most cases as I move from 'not sex' to 'sex' Director is in charge and then there is a dramatic switch at some point and Passion is in control. When I see movies that show dramatic scenes where people have arguments and then end up having sex, where emotions run high and intense changes of dynamic occur, Director finds that all completely confusing. The same applies to a lot of aggressive seduction techniques (ethical or not)... Director is at a loss. Passion gets it, but he has to stay in his cage until Director is assured that everything is going along safely and appropriately.
I have been shuffling along this path for some time now, with Director going further and further away during sex and letting Passion be more fully in control. It is clear that doing so improves the experience for me and makes sex better but it is challenging to unwind that desperate need for control that Director has. It also makes me wonder just how far I *can* unwind it, and what I will look like as Director becomes more comfortable letting the beast come out fully and completely.