Thursday, July 30, 2015

Maybe later

I broke up with Val a few weeks ago and I am trying to process all of the things going on inside my head.  Breakups in the past have been sometimes tricky but they were never full of hate and screaming and accusations of evil and this one is no exception.  I just don't swing that way, mostly, and people that would explode like that tend not to date me in the first place I expect.  When I hear people go off about their exes, accusing them of dastardly deeds and clearing hating them more than anyone else ever, it never resonates with me, in fact it usually turns me right off the complainer.  There are people I broke up with that I have no intention of seeing again but it is just in a 'eh, no real reason to try to have that person in my life anymore' sort of way.  However, never in the past have I broken up with someone and then felt like I would ever try to reunite.  Always the breakup was final, done.  I never hated my exes but I was never going to get back together.

This time is different that way.  A part of why we struggled along for a long time before admitting that we had problems we couldn't solve was that there are a lot of great things there.  Many good times and much real love make it hard to break up.  It really seems like we *should* be together, but it just doesn't work when we are.  I know the breakup was the best course, it needed to happen, but it feels so weird to be thinking that if things change in the future I might want to revisit that decision.

Wistful is a word I never hear used in speech but which I see written all the time.  I think it describes my attitude right now pretty well.  I don't regret the decision, but I do wish there was a way around it.  I have a mix of sadness at the loss and relief that the struggle to make it work isn't there anymore.  I always do better once a final decision has been made and the direction is set, and now I can go forward.  In a few years maybe things will be different, who knows.  Some bit of me is skeptical because I am not the sort to waffle on relationships and be off and on, but other bits are sure that there must be some way to weave all that good into a relationship that works.

I guess the only way to find out is to wait a few years and see.

One thing I am truly glad for is the freedom to let my relationships find the course that works best for them.  Trying to force all relationships into a 'partners for life or nothing' model isn't for me any more.

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