Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Underwear Atrocities Anonymous (UAA)

Hi there, my name is Sky and I keep my underwear way too long before throwing them out.

Crowd:  Hi Sky!

My wife has been hassling me for quite a while now to get new underwear.  I know I have a problem in this department; I hate going out to buy new things.  Some part of my brain insists that I need to be saving money and that going out to stores is a waste of valuable time I could be spending reading drivel on the internet.  I did this with my vacuum, I do it with my shoes, but the worst is underwear.  You see a vacuum at least has the counterbalancing feature that it is a tool.  I like good tools, tools that hum along and work smoothly and are of quality.  Underwear have this issue that they can perform their primary functions while being almost completely ruined and they are hidden away.  A terrible vacuum or wrecked shoes actually cause me pain, frustration or time while underwear do not, unless you count the time I spend telling my wife that yes, soon I will go and replace them.

Today I finally got off my behind and went out and got some new underwear.  They feel silky smooth and not at all wrecked on my bottom, though really the greatest relief is that the chore is done and I can get on with my life for another half dozen years or so.  An example of the offending garments:

I do wonder how much of it is normal and how much is just me being lazy and cheap.  Surely others delay the purchase of new underthings unreasonably too.  If I try I can put all kinds of good spins on this though, and some of them are even true:

I am helping the environment by reducing garbage volume.
I am helping keep underwear costs down by reducing demand.
I am saving cotton plants by necessitating less of them be harvested.
I am promoting a lifestyle of minimal consumption.

There, you see?  Wearing underwear until they are literally falling to pieces is a good thing and makes me a more moral person!

P.S. Briefs are for uptight people and boxers are for hippies.  Boxer briefs all the way.

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