While the writing is clear and smooth, the stories are harsh and jarring. She had a tough childhood, being raised by white parents who didn't understand her struggles at all, and being surrounded by people who were constantly racist towards her. As she got older she found her way into black social groups and communities but this often didn't help at all, as she was too black for the white people and too white for the black people. I had realized academically that this is a serious struggle for biracial people but these stories brought that experience to life and made it real and visceral.
The stories of racism vary wildly. Some were outright tales of outright discrimination that I found hard to stomach, and others revealed struggles that aren't necessarily obvious. For example, black hair is different from white hair. If no one in your town knows how to deal with your hair, then it can feel like you are inferior when in fact you are simply lacking in expertise.
If you are curious about what racism feels like, or how it plays out, this is a good book. The author does not attempt to portray herself in a perfect light, and her many mistakes and issues are on display. You get to see a flawed person struggling in a world that makes it extremely difficult for her, and through that struggle you will get a glimpse into humanity.
The author was adopted by a white couple and mostly raised by them, though she spent some time during her teenage years and adulthood with her birth mother. All three parents did things wrong and made her life more difficult, though certainly her birth mother was the worst. (Taking your eleven year old daughter to a bar and leaving her alone, and then blaming her when an old man tries to convince her to have sex with him is beyond the pale.) She blames all three parents for many of the things she suffered, quite justifiably. However, she also lays blame in ways that I don't accept as reasonable.
Blaming parents for their children's misbehaviour or suffering is something I see a lot. My instinct is that this is more of a modern phenomenon, but perhaps that isn't true. Parents often do this to themselves of course, asking themselves what they did wrong. Sometimes they did do things wrong, of course, but often had they chosen differently it wouldn't have helped, or it would simply have created different issues. I don't like blaming people when we can't even be sure that different choices would have improved outcomes. If you would have been angry even if a different choice were made, then you are giving the target of your anger no right choice, no way out, and I don't accept that.
I am happy to blame parents for bad behaviour, but only if I can see a better way. I don't toss blame if they just made the best of a bad situation.
For example, blaming her adoptive parents because they didn't give her exposure to black culture, or help her find ways to work with black hair seems quite reasonable to me. They should have worked harder on that. Blaming them because they didn't uproot their entire lives to move to a big city from their country residence to put her nearer to black people isn't reasonable. It was hard on her, of that I have no doubt, but parents don't have an obligation to relocate in the world, especially when they have other kids too. I understand her feelings, but I don't accept the allocation of blame.
When Pinkie Pie struggles, I worry. I wonder if I could do something to help her, to fix her problems, to make things better. I think about the choices I have made in the past. However, I don't accept that all of her issues are on me. I have to continue to try to help her, but I won't make it all about me, nor drown in misplaced blame. No matter how perfect a parent you are, your children will screw up, suffer, and struggle. You do what you can, but they have to go through things to learn how to cope with them, and you can't entirely avoid that. Heaping blame on parents in no win situations isn't productive or fair.
Surviving the White Gaze is a powerful book that can give you a visceral understanding of the struggles of biracial people. However, I do suggest that you take the criticisms of some of the author's family with a grain of salt.
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