Breaking stuff

I was playing in my World of Warcraft raid last night and I was being terrible.  The boss would get ready to do his gigantic attack that we all had to dodge away from, and I would click to move.... and nothing would happen.  I would die, and let the team down.  This is an easy thing to deal with if it is 100% of the time - the mouse is broken, and you move on.  But when things work 98% of the time, you wonder if you are just bad and failed to click.  There is always that doubt in your mind.

You can't keep playing with a 2% failure rate.  The boss is going to make you 'React or die!' 50 times, and failing once means you die and your group loses.

Finally I concluded that I could not keep playing.  Thankfully Wendy and I are using the same mouse so we swapped hers in and I got to keep on going.  That feeling when you play properly and get confirmation that yes, it was the equipment failing, not yourself... priceless.

However, I now have a mouse that works most of the time.  Videos on the internet assured me that all I had to do was tear the mouse apart and clean the tiny metal piece that gets all gunked up over time.  I didn't have a lot to lose, so I tore the mouse apart.  The metal piece was immaculate though, so clearly the internet videos were wrong.  

Upon reassembling the mouse the left click didn't work at all.

In some ways this is better.  At least this way I don't have my money demon telling me I should keep on using the mouse until it is well and truly broken.  I can pretend to keep on using a mouse that works 98% of the time even though it makes me sad.  

I can't use a mouse that doesn't click at all though.

I tore the mouse apart and reassembled it a couple of times and finally concluded that all my attempts at fixing it have resulted in the tiny metal piece being ever so slightly bent.  Wendy and I attempted to get it back to its pre intervention state, but we failed.  It turns out that even a slightly bent metal piece is totally useless, and the mouse is junk.

After only 8 months of use!  Junk!

Admittedly that mouse has had some hard living.  My hands always make all of my peripherals gunky and gross, and I have been on the computer *hard* since the pandemic hit.  That mouse has not been treated lightly.

Still, it irks me that I couldn't fix it properly.  All the internet videos assured me it would be easy and foolproof, but apparently I am fool enough that I broke it anyway.

Getting better, but not all the way

Our stories about illness often do not reflect the reality.  Too often when we talk about disease we try to put it into convenient buckets - sick, healthy, cured, infected.  The reality of illness is that a huge proportion of health struggles wax and wane over time becoming more or less of a struggle but never completely vanishing.  Even when we are discharged from the care of doctors and people talk as though we are cured we often have to deal with the illness for a great time to come.

Pinkie Pie is a great example of this.  When she was young she had serious kidney problems that led to a four day hospital stay many years ago.  We spent years being careful about diet, water intake, bathroom usage, and other things and still ended up in the hospital or doctor's office many times.  That hasn't been an acute struggle for five years or so now, and in the minds of many people I imagine Pinkie Pie is cured.

She isn't cured.  She never will be. 

Although she isn't cured she is in much better shape.  A short while ago the hospital finally cleared us to stop visiting them and to continue on our lifelong program of managing her illness.  These days that is fairly easy and we rarely think much about it, but I still need to keep on reminding her to do the things that they have told us to do.

It is weird to think about sometimes.  I feel like there should be some giant emotional release of tension to finally get the news that we aren't going to be visiting Sick Kids Hospital anymore.  That release didn't happen though.  She was steadily getting better over years and years and it was clear that this sort of thing was coming.  When they finally told us to go away forever it felt like just another step along a long journey.

I am trained by media to expect a huge reveal "You are cured!" and a subsequent shift in paradigm.  Instead all I have is just a vague sense of relief that we don't have to commute downtown for appointments anymore.

I think this is a more realistic model of illness and recovery than what books, movies, and shows train us to expect.  Disease is rarely one and done, usually leaving a long, difficult trail.

Thankfully after many years and much struggle we are on the easy part of that trail.  We can't entirely relax because the trail could get rough once again, but for now the path is smooth and straight.

Reality is sad

For quite some time I had it in my head that the pandemic would be winding down in the spring.  I had thought that by the time summer started I would be back to doing the best things with the best people.  I have been missing those activities that can't be safely engaged in during these stressful times.  I had all kinds of plans for board game nights that devolved into orgies (carefully not messing up the pieces, of course, that game is going to get finished *properly*).

But it seems that I was overly optimistic.  Canada is apparently planning on having half of its population vaccinated by September 2021.

When I read that it was a punch to the gut.

Another *year* of sitting at home, not able to see many of my favourite people, not able to do my favourite things.

Another year of the World Boardgaming Championships not happening.

Another summer of sitting at home, not able to go out and do the things.

Another year of not seeing my extended family.

It is all kinds of depressing.

I find it hard to figure out what to think of it.  On one hand, I am the sort of person that wants to eat at home anyway - restaurants not opening doesn't matter to me.  I am financially stable still, so I don't worry about that.  I have fun things to do, and I am confident that when it all finally ends I will have much to go back to.  I don't have to take serious risks with my own health, and I can stay at home.  My kid is mostly self sufficient these days, and homeschooling is actually going quite well this year, far better than ever before.

Many people don't have those things.  I don't want to be whining about my circumstances when so many have it so much worse.

Still, knowing that other people have all my problems plus a bunch of extra ones doesn't help me much.  The feelings are still there.

However, there is nothing to be done for it.  I just have to accept that I have another year of being at home, and make the best of it.

You can be damn sure though that when we finally do get the restrictions lifted I am going to have such an outrageous party it will be remembered for years and years to come.  New heights of debauchery must be reached to celebrate the end of the worst crisis of my life so far.

I guess I will hold onto that thought tight, and use it for whatever comfort it can bring.