False alarm

A short while ago I wrote a post about how Pinkie Pie is doing better.  School was going better, though not great, and she was really up from where she was in months past.  Things were really improving.  I got lots of people telling me how happy they were that her mental health situation had finally improved.  Yay!

And then everything fell apart.  It isn't surprising, as it was just this exact time of year two years ago that her challenges first arrived.  Darkness and cold are not good for her.  She has fallen back from school being a challenge, but basically working, to just lying in bed all day every day.

It tears me apart.  I have to be available, there to try to get her up for school, try to get her to school in the afternoon, try to keep her life going.  Despite being there, I just can't *do* anything to make it happen.  All I can do is watch.

There is some extra frustration in having so recently written that things were going well.  I don't want to be going back and forth, cataloguing every change, but after several months of improvement I felt like there was real reason for optimism, and it was worth telling people about.  Then, without warning, it all collapses in a heap.

Now I have to face a ton of conversations where people ask after her, expecting more good news, and I have to tell all of them how much of a catatrophe I am facing.

Giving out news about health is such a fraught, messy process.  I don't like it.

I know that doing it via blog posts isn't ideal, and has its issues.  This is more than a news source though, it is therapy for me, so I write here as much for myself as for informing the world.

I just want to tell all the doctors to stand aside, I am going to fix this shit myself.  No more waiting for their slow, ponderous processes to make decisions.  I also know they won't put up with that, because they have to protect kids from parents who don't know what they are doing.  I get that in general putting an administrative wall between parents and treatment options is a useful thing.  But I can see so clearly what needs to happen, and I can't make it happen.

All I can do is sit here, wait, and feel helpless before a thing I can't argue with, or fight, or fix.