I read an article yesterday about why people cheat on each other in relationships. Specifically it tried to explain why people who claim they are happy in their relationships end up cheating.
It is the sort of thing that is simultaneously something I want people to seriously think about and also makes me laugh out loud at how absurd it is.
Really? You wonder how people are attracted to more than one person, and how they might want to act on that attraction? Even if their current official partner is a good person and makes them happy?
Years ago I would have read along with this sort of thing, nodding at how it questioned our societal standard of putting your partner on a pedestal and pretending they are the only thing you will ever want ever again. Before I was polyamorous I will still realistic! Of course most people will be attracted to lots of people. They will have friends they want to hop into bed with, lust after people on the street or on porn sites, and sometimes find themselves falling in love by accident.
But these days it all strikes me as preposterous. Are people still sitting around pretending that it is abnormal to be attracted to more than one person? Is anyone really still thinking that everyone in our lives offers the same experience, so that once you have one person you care about there isn't any reason at all to meet other people?
"If this were a good relationship, I wouldn't want anyone else" is a pile of nonsense. There are friends I want to go paintballing with, and friends I want to play board games with. There are people who I would happily take camping so we can get drunk around the fire and yell about things, and people who I would definitely leave in town.
As time goes by my tolerance for this kind of foolishness has drained away. Have whatever relationship rules you want, exclusive or not, that is your business. But this idea that we should all be astonished when someone who has a good relationship has other attractions needs to die in a fire.
No matter what your relationship rules are you need to know that your partner can't be your everything, and presuming that they will be is a recipe for misery.
I feel like I see my partner as the only person I am involved with sexually since I am in a monogamous relationship. However, that doesn't mean that all of the friendships I have are less meaningful. Yeah, I would never have sex with my friends but I feel a strong connection with all of my friends and see everyone as an equal and everyone has different strengths. I have had strong attraction for people but in a non-romantic way/sexual way. Even though I am in a monogamous relationship, that doesn't mean that my partner needs to meet all of my non-sexual needs. For example, he is not in the same field as me, so I talk about my field with other people. I don't expect him to do everything for me and help me with every single task at hand. There are certain tasks that my parents and friends can help with as well.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
Deletecorrection: non-romantic / non-sexual*
DeleteI am a straight woman in a monogamous relationship. Most of my friends are women except one of my best friends is a man. I'm kind of obsessed with him but in a non-romantic way, strictly platonic way. In fact, considering romantic things with him is incest since I see him pretty much as a brother. I think I kind of obsess about him because he's the first successful heterosexual friendship that I have had. The last time I tried to be friends with a guy, things got complicated. The other times, the guy wasn't nice or backed away from me when I became more open with them.
ReplyDeleteWith this guy, it was opposite because it was always positive with him and he always treats me well and he hasn't backed away from me, at least I hope not. I fell into a trap where I was seeing all the positive attributes about my guy friend that I wanted my partner to do as well and expected him to do. It doesn't mean that my partner doesn't treat me right. In fact, he treats me really well and is a very loving and caring partner. Then I stopped myself and realized: wait.... my partner is not meant to meet every single need. Just because there are certain qualities I see in someone else, doesn't mean my partner has to have those qualities because my partner is great the way he is. I should never try to change him or force him to do something that I noticed someone else did that I liked. :)