Yesterday I decided it was time to run. People in my life have been telling me that it is silly to do so much upper body strength training and ignore my legs. I think they are worried that I will look ridiculous with scrawny chicken legs and a giant torso. That is kind of what I was aiming for, but they are right that varying my exercise regimen is a good and healthy thing.
I started out doing a 5k run and it was a weird experience. Running hurts. Maybe once you are in really good shape you can run 5k on some reasonable hills without any discomfort but I sure am not in that kind of shape! Director does not like pain. Pain is annoying, and sign that I am doing something wrong. Passion, on the other hand, likes pain. Part of that is simply that when I am Passion I am full of adrenalin and I don't feel pain much, but the other part is that when Passion is in charge pushing through pain is actually *fun*. It is a challenge, a thing to slam myself against.
Running was a combination of many different feelings. I got a really heavy lidded sensation, like my world shrunk down to just me and the ground in front of me. There was kind of a fiery red tint to everything and strangely it wasn't like my actual vision was affected but rather that I could see colour properly but my perception of the world was red tinted and full of heat. I don't quite know how to explain red as a thing that isn't a colour and heat as a thing that isn't a temperature, but that is what happened.
When I got to a stoplight I just sat there waiting, and when the light changed I snarled and charged across the intersection. Director was sitting back, not running things, curious if Passion would be tired and take his time or just rush ahead. The snarling was a bit of a surprise to Director and also possibly to the people who were also waiting on the street corner. It isn't the first time that has happened; I remember snarling and acting oddly bestial at points during my mud run last summer.
The combination of being entirely in the moment, of being consumed by the desire for more punishment, more pain, more challenge, but also being entirely detached and watching myself from a distance was certainly odd. It is classic dissociation - being outside myself, watching my body do things without being in it, but being in it simultaneously.
It is a hard thing to explain to anyone who hasn't felt that way. Reading what I wrote it sounds as though I am perhaps dangerous or out of control but that isn't at all the case.
Director *can* exert control at any time and be normal, be a single perspective, be the sort of person people expect. I just feel so much better when I actively pursue opportunities for Passion to manifest and just let him do the things he wants.
Finding safe or even useful outlets for that unboxing of the beast is a good thing for my mental health for sure. I need it, because it somehow quiets Passion, removing the struggle for supremacy. After Passion has had a chance to be out it is like he is a cat, purring in the background, radiating happy vibes. And when there is no chance for him to come out he is pacing, always pacing, being a constant distraction.
And now my legs feel sore. I think I will need to give myself a couple days to recover and then I will go again. Hopefully I can keep that routine up and get myself into the groove of running regularly.