Google knows I want to get ripped.
To be frank, Google knows an awful lot of what I want. When I talk to Wendy about the rats involved in her research my internet is full of ads for exterminators. Close one Google, but no cigar. But when Google pitches me ads about getting ripped abs it is on the money. I have been amping up my exercise in general but also particularly adding on stomach exercises.
Wendy told me that getting bulky isn't really a good thing. In fact she thinks my shoulders look worse because I actually have a bit on muscle on top of them now. But a six pack, that is the ticket. So I am doing more tummy exercises in a fruitless attempt to amp my abs.
Here is the thing about Google's abs ads, when targetted at me. They all say "Men over 40 are getting ripped abs doing this one weird thing!"
Sorry Google, I am 38. Hell, you *must* know that. You know everything else!
But then I ask myself: Are the ads showing grey haired men with preposterous abs aimed at men in their 30s too? Is the idea to shame me into buying stuff because men older than me have sculpted bellies? Maybe they aren't aiming the "Men over 40" nonsense at me by accident, but rather deliberately.
I followed the stupid ads today, wading through 45 minutes of crap to finally get to the payoff. What is it, I wondered, that these snake oil fraudsters with their immaculately built bodies are trying to sell me? Pills that do nothing? Steroids that do something, but also many wrong things?
Nope. After 10 minutes of bragging, 10 more minutes of vague generalities, 10 minutes of insulting every 'conventional' diet and exercise regimen, and 10 minutes of complete pseudoscientific nonsense about optimizing your hormone levels via carefully guarded secrets, I finally got to the 5 minutes of real stuff.
Which was just a diet and exercise program. Apparently the most ripped 24 year old on Youtube and his personal doctor have an amazing, groundbreaking program that will activate my hormones, blast away my belly fat, and make me into a monstrous beast of a man.
They seem to be leaning on new, shocking techniques like "Eat a lot of meat for protein and vegetables, and don't eat sugary crap" and "Exercise hard using multiple muscle groups".
All of which will activate my leptin and testosterone hormones and give me a stomach that will cause random scantily clad women to fawn over me.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind that whole fawning thing, at least for a bit. However, I was honestly expecting a lot more from all that build up. If you want to convince me that your program is all that, you really ought to come up with something a lot more interesting. If all I get is generic pablum of exercise advice I really don't need to pay you for it. Their advice doesn't even look bad, it is just backed up with endless prattle that is a pack of lies surrounded by half truths.
But damn, there are SO MANY ads for this garbage. They must be getting a lot of people to buy into it. That part makes me really sad, because I was willing to watch 45 minutes of trash on the side of my screen while working on something else because I was curious about what the final pitch was. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who believe this nonsense and end up handing over their money.
Just one more moment that makes me weep for humanity.