This post is more sexually explicit and personal than most. It isn't pornographic by any means, but it has frank discussion of my personal sexual dynamics. If that isn't your cup of tea, stop reading.
Kink has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been having a lot of kinky experiences and I feel like it has been really good for me in terms of understanding myself and others. For me kink is a purely sexual thing and it isn't something I am interested in outside of that context. Obviously for other people it works very differently - this discussion is about how I work.
Even up to a couple years ago I was pretty sure that I was not interested in kink. Mostly it was because the things I wanted, deep down, were things that I couldn't figure out how to be morally okay with. The thing that wiggles my waggle is being dominant and I couldn't figure out how to be dominant without violating my feminist principles as well as my instinctive worry of accidentally being abusive, especially towards women. There was a lot of cognitive dissonance there.
It took awhile to actually recognize that dominance was what I wanted. In large part this is because of my dual nature. Initially it just seemed like a thing that I didn't want but that is because Director finds dominance extremely worrisome. What if I do something wrong? What if my partner is upset by what I ask of them? What if I hurt someone by accident? Much safer to just be cooperative or submissive.
But Passion doesn't like submissiveness at all. Cooperation is fine and dominance is exciting and fun but submissiveness is boring. Passion is in charge during sex so submissiveness doesn't work for me.
But I had to level up my feminism some. Being a feminist isn't about sheltering women from experiences you aren't okay with, it is about empowering them and letting them chart their own course and it turns out that some of them really want to submit and get off on doing so. If I won't believe women who say they really enjoy being submissive with me then I am being crappy to them by ignoring their stated beliefs and desires. This shift didn't happen overnight and it didn't even happen on my own initiative. Mostly it happened when women said things to me.
"I want to serve you"
"I am your dirty little slut"
"I deserve to be punished"
In most of these instances I was pretty surprised, at first. However, the message was quite clear and it left me room to try things I hadn't tried before, and even have my mind be in a different place than it ever had been before. I wouldn't necessarily have jumped to answer these calls except that in every case I knew that the women in question were ardent feminists who were absolutely strong and independent in most of their lives. They knew what they wanted, and what they wanted was to be pinned down, smacked, and made to obey.
If at this point you are inclined to guess which of my lovers is kinky and which isn't, don't bother. Some are, some aren't, and you can't tell at all from the outside. Guesses will only get you in trouble.
Finally coming to accept that acting this way was ok on an instinctive level took awhile. The theoretical acceptance was relatively straightforward but I had to viscerally accept it and that was much harder. Eventually though I came not only to accept but also to enjoy it.
It has been a weird route to coming to this understanding. There were trials along the way that didn't go well. There were people that I did not match up well with in terms of kink specifically, even though otherwise there were plenty of good things. That is something that I hadn't realized before really trying it out myself. Sometimes even if I like a person and we have a sexual connection and we are both kinky the kink bit doesn't work. It is almost like sexual attraction is, but on another entirely different axis. When there was sexual chemistry the kink has come along slowly, immediately, or never, depending on the relationship in question.
There are also varieties of kink of course. I am mostly into the dominance thing but there are so many other ways that kink comes out like bondage and pain that aren't really the thing for me. Those certainly can be compatible with my desires, but obviously the most complimentary thing is submission.
I think the thing that is most enjoyable about dom/sub mechanics for me is that is simplifies sex so much. When both people are equal, there is a constant give and take to decide what will happen next. Are we starting or stopping? Swapping positions? Going faster, or harder? Changing what we are doing entirely? In non kinky sex I find I need to keep Director closer to the surface to negotiate with my partner over what we are doing. I need to think, plan, weigh desires. But when I am dominant and my partner is willingly submitting, I just push Director to the background and let Passion run free. I just GO. When I know that the thing that is turning my partner is me indulging my whims, doing as I will, I can leave my inhibitions behind and revel in the moment. That freedom from responsibility, from negotiation, is a huge part of the appeal, and that works for both people. Many submissive people have told me that the freedom from having to make decisions and be in control is the thing they love.
I know a lot of people will find this horrifying. They would recoil if they saw it, and would think less of me. If that is you, consider this: Shoving a part of my body *into* someone else's body and slamming it in there really hard is an incredibly invasive act. Yet vigorous penis in vagina intercourse is 'normal'. Slapping my hand hard onto someone's ass though, that is kinky. But between the two, intercourse is by far more likely to do damage or have other potential negative consequences. So why be horrified by the kink, but not by the intercourse? I suppose you could be horrified by both, in which case you seriously shouldn't be reading my blog.
Fact is, I am not trying to get anyone pregnant so sex is just about entertainment. Given that fact, my partners and I ought to just do whatever is fun and our fun involves bruised asses and dirty words (among other things). There are no reasonable arguments from a safety standpoint - downhill skiing, martial arts, and even running are more prone to serious injury and just as prone to aches and pains.
The only real argument against my variety of consensual kink is that it squicks you out. And that is fine, as far as it goes. Some people get off on poop play with their sex, and that squicks me out. But I won't tell them they shouldn't do that, because what difference does it make to me? Their bed, their fun, their rules.
Sometimes I read about people discovering their kinkiness and often they end up realizing that their kink needs to be a huge part of their life. A subset of them want to get into deeply kinky relationships where they give or receive orders 24/7. Some want to bleed, or be set on fire, or any number of others things. Many find that they just can't enjoy 'normal' sex or relationships much after that.
None of that really applies to me. I like being dominant. It puts me in a really fun place. It is a thing I want to have in my life. But I don't *need* it, not the way I need sex in general, and it certainly doesn't have to be with everyone. It is icing on the cake. Really tasty, but still only a small part of the whole.
I have found that it makes connections happen faster. I think it is because it is on this different axis, and when people connect on just one level the attraction is strong, but when you connect in more ways it becomes more powerful. It is somehow as though I have a new way to be attracted to people and that raises the maximum WOW factor.
Much of the changes in my mind lately revolve around letting go of inhibitions and control. Allowing Passion to simply be, to let my carnal, savage, impatient side out to play has been really positive for me, and a big change in how I think. Most of the time I am the same way I ever was, just old reliable Director. But those times when I open the floodgates and let it go are potent and they leave me with a deep seated joy in life that permeates all of what I do.