Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Debaucherizing properly

For years I told everyone I was not a drinker.  There were two reasons:  First off, alcohol is disgusting.  No matter how dilute the drink is, no matter what people put in it to mask the taste, there is always the underlying taint.  I have always felt this way and it certainly didn't make me extra popular as a teenager - not that there was much risk of that.  It is certainly possible for me to enjoy the buzz that alcohol grants but unlike most of the rest of the world I don't seem capable of enjoying the taste or the experience of drinking, just the results.  Secondly I had a problem with tolerance.  When I was younger I tested alcohol and found that it took an absurd amount to get me drunk.  Sixteen drinks in three hours shouldn't leave you saying "Well, I guess I was kinda drunk", especially when you are the sort of person who is paranoid about money.  The amount it took to get me buzzed was just too much both in terms of cash and saying "Blech, why do you people drink this stuff anyway?"

And then I got old.

Last week I, for no particular reason, had a couple glasses of kosher wine at a games night and found myself nicely buzzed.  What the juh, thought I?  This stuff is 5% alcohol, I shouldn't be able to tell until I have at least five of them in me.  The only possible response to this is to obey the rallying call of science! and discover for myself what is going on inside me.  After some experimentation during Wendy's trip (which was well timed for this particular discovery, it would seem) I have determined that my alcohol tolerance is now much more like a normal person and much less like a rock.  While some might lament the loss I am extremely pleased at my new lightweight status and ready to fit better into society.  Now when somebody asks "Do you want something to drink?" I can say Yes.

Of course I know nothing about alcohol so I needed a formula to determine what to buy.  I don't want any soft stuff since the taste is still yucky so I decided to go to the hard liquor portion of the store and look for the bottle that had the highest alcohol content per dollar spent.  I had no idea what I would end up with but it turns out at my local liquor store this is the big winner:  Prince Igor Extreme Vodka.

I couldn't tell you whether or not it is properly pronounced eee gore or eye gore but either way the stuff has the kick I am looking for and the price was right.  To be frank I don't know that the quality or taste really makes any difference to me at all - at the cottage I drank some random cheap whiskey that had been opened ten years ago and was sitting in the closet that entire time and also drank some decent scotch and the difference wasn't significant.

One tumbler 1/3 full of vodka, one tumbler 1/3 full of tomato juice.  Chugged in two gulps, in that order.  Ready to rock for the evening.  Apparently that is how I roll.


  1. I didn't realize I'd unleashed a monster with monthly Agricola!

  2. For definitions of monster that include 'has a couple drinks every week or so'. By that definition we are suffering from quite the plague of monsters I would say.

  3. Shot of vodka, followed by a shot of something to get rid of the taste of vodka? Sounds like university!