Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Sweet revenge

Today I was pushing my shopping cart around the grocery store, mind lost in a haze of numbers, and suddenly the wheel caught and the cart bashed into the shelf.  Glass jars rattled and clanged and I cursed and swore internally.  I looked around, sure that everyone must be watching me.  The customers must be giggling behind their hands, employees glaring, managers getting ready to boot my clumsy ass out.  Hell, the people walking past the store must have been peering in trying to figure out who the clumsy ass was.

I got the cart straightened out and continued my journey and again it randomly veered to one side, barely missing colliding with another shelf.  I furtively looked around, twitching, and noticed that my equipment malfunction went unnoticed.  I picked up my pace, trying to get everything done as fast as possible so as to be bloody done with this disobedient, recalcitrant cart.  I asked myself how such a simple device as a wheel can have such problems with occasional and unpredictable jamming just as the wheel caught again and the cart attempted another rapid an unpredictable spin.

Stepping back half a step I kicked the cart over, knocking vegetables and cereal across the aisle.  I pulled my Glock from my waistband and unleashed a hail of lead at the prone cart, shredding its sides and sending a spray of twisted grey metal scattering across the floor.  Not yet satisfied I dropped the steaming clip to the floor, reloaded and put another ten rounds through the wheels and handlebar.  Staring down with eyes red from rage at my mutilated opponent I smiled.  "How do you like THEM apples?"

I returned to myself and grumbled "Damnable cart, some day, I swear...." and pushed the infernal contraption up to the checkout counter.  I wondered if other people had seen that moment of fanciful fury or if it was over in the blink of an eye.  Some day if I ever get rich I am going back to that store and I will find that awful cart, slam down $200 on the counter and take it outside to show it what happens to machines that cause me such grief and consternation.

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