A successful bid

One of the best predictors of how long a relationship will last is the way the people in it respond to bids for attention.  These bids are usually small things like pointing out a funny thing to a partner, asking a question, or a request for assistance.  Most of the time all we need to do to respond positively is acknowlege the bid, pay attention to it, and respond in some reasonable fashion.  You don't have to respond to every bid of course, but if you consistently ignore them to stare at your phone, shrug and move on, or otherwise lack engagement, your relationship is likely to either end or be miserable.

I put a large emphasis on responding to bids from people.  My romantic relationships get a lot of attention here for sure, but it also applies to child rearing and friendships too.  I think I may actually respond to bids so much that it is unhealthy for me, though I presume that the people I respond to like it.  

The way this plays out is that I am doing something on my computer with my headphones on, absorbed, and either Wendy or Pinkie Pie talks to me.  I can't tell what they are saying (because headphones), so I stop what I am doing, say "Wait, I can't hear you", take the headphones off, put them down, turn around to face them, and say "Okay, go ahead".  This is a positive way to respond to a bid.  I set aside what I am doing, make it clear that I prioritize their feelings and communication, and make sure I am prepared to engage in whatever it is they have for me.

Sometimes that is a good thing.  Maybe it is time to make dinner and I was being reminded, or maybe there is something interesting we can talk about.  Unfortunately a lot of the time it is something totally trivial that I do not care about at all.  It might be Pinkie Pie wanting me to look at the cat that she made in The Sims, or Wendy saying "Oh, never mind, I see it now."  In both cases it is frustrating because I tore myself out of my flow to respond to the bid, and now I have to get myself back into it.  Often what I *want* to say is "Not now, busy" but I don't.  It is important to not respond in that way, and everyone makes it clear that how I respond to these things is crucial for them.

I want to be a good partner and a good parent.  I want to be there and responsive when the people in my family ask for my time and attention.  I just don't know how to cope with some interruptions being necessary and worthwhile, and some being for things I absolutely do not care about at all.

The pandemic turns this from an occasional frustration to a serious struggle.  What I need is the ability to focus on things without being dragged out of my zone.  Unfortunately we have a tiny space and everyone is on top of me all day every day.  I am the one responsible for the vast majority of chores and work, so Wendy and Pinkie Pie need to constantly talk to me about groceries or dinner or cleaning or appointments etc.

If I could just go to work for a few hours and do things without anyone else around it would be wonderful.  I get a bit of that late at night after other people are asleep, but then I need to tiptoe around so as to not wake them up, so it doesn't quite do the thing I am hoping for.

I really like the idea of all of us interacting casually, being open to little conversations about nothing important.  I want to be receptive to people talking to me, even when it isn't something momentous.  I like the idea of talking with them about random stuff that popped into my brain too.  I just desperately need that separation at times, that ability to sink deep into a headspace without being interrupted.

The struggle goes the other way too, no doubt about that.  Pinkie Pie spends all day in her room, and she won't take care of any basic life functions without constant harassment, so I constantly have to be knocking on her door and barging in when she ignores the knock.  I am sure this is difficult for her too, but because she is always behind a closed door and won't respond to messages I literally cannot wait for a good moment to communicate with her - I have no way of knowing what time would be good.

Wendy works in our living room, so she has the same sorts of struggles.  I can't easily tell when she is engaged with her work or not, so if I need her attention I have to either wait, which might take hours, or just interrupt her.  Working at home is difficult for her even if I am leaving her alone, especially with difficult work where she needs to be in flow to do it properly, and me needing input on stuff ratchets up the challenge.

Having only a kitchen (where I am on my computer, usually), and a living room (where Wendy is on her computer, usually) as our living spaces is driving us a bit batty.  What I would give for an office space with a door I could close!  The ability to go and do something for a couple hours with a door between me and casual interruptions would be a wondrous thing.  

But, you know, money.

I don't have good answers here.  I would like to respond to bids less, but I can't know which ones are the ones I want to filter out until I have already responded to them.  I could put up a little flag that says 'go away' on it, but that doesn't actually work that well in practice.  It is weird and uncomfortable to not chat about little things to someone who is *right there* in a way that wouldn't be weird or uncomfortable if they were in an office ten meters away.  You just walk to the office if you have a thing worth saying, or don't bother if your thing isn't worth saying.  A 'go away' flag simply doesn't create the same social environment.

I am so profoundly ready for the pandemic to be over so people can get out of my space and I can drill down deep into something, knowing that I have hours of time where I can focus and nothing shall distract me.  Trivial or important, all distractions break my creativity and flow.