People never seem to believe me when I say I look forward to Elli's teenage years. Any time that statement comes out of my mouth there is an immediate torrent of venom towards teenage girls that takes me quite aback. I am sure there are particular parenting challenges when a child goes through puberty but somehow the world is convinced that teenagers are the absolute worst people on the planet and parents simply hate them.
This came up today as it is the first day back to school and I was talking with other parents I hadn't seen much over the summer about our children. We were discussing the changes in our lives as the kids age and I seemed to be utterly alone in the thought that things would get more fun and easier as time goes by. Not that Elli's teenagehood is likely to be without issues obviously but I expect things to be better than now... I certainly don't expect some sort of parenting utopia where she delivers a report card full of 95s before fetching dear old dad a cold drink.
The things people usually say about teenagers just don't worry me so much. They talk about how the teenagers don't want to talk to their parents, how they will want to drink and do drugs, stay out late, have sex, get tattooes, and all other manner of rebellion. I look at that list and shrug. Clearly this is a list of things teenagers want to do and honestly I should have done a lot more of that as a teen and learned some things so it just doesn't worry me. Elli will make mistakes and screw up and 'ruin her life' and then move on, just like nearly everyone else.
It is possible my audience is biased in this regard as I am around a lot of stay at home moms who mostly really enjoy the experience of having small children around. Some are really sad that the summer is over and they don't get to have their kids around all day every day, while I am practically punting Elli back to school with a grin on my face. I expect they will miss the days of having little kids around while I sure won't!
That isn't all of it though. There is a real tendency for people to assume that I am simply wrong and that I don't understand myself beyond just stay at home moms. Maybe there is something deeply satisfying about dealing with the bodily fluids and tantrums of a tiny raging blob of flesh that most people experience and I just cannot fathom... but I can't imagine that this can be all the difference. It can't just be that other people feel sad that their children are no longer perpetually attached to their legs whining for some thing or another.
I can see the differences between my feelings around parenting and other parents'. Elli is going to be walking herself to school starting tomorrow and I am just happy to be able to avoid that chore. Other parents almost have a meltdown when they have to face the fact that they aren't needed in that way anymore and I don't feel that at all. I believe these other parents when they describe their feelings but I can't see myself experiencing any pangs of regret when watching Elli get up and run ever further away from me. I want to watch Elli fly away and see the things she chooses to do from a distance. That prospect holds no fear for me, and I suspect I am far from common in this.
I share your hopes for the teenage years, but given the overwhelming information from parents of teens that it's harder, they remain hopes that I do not depend on.
ReplyDeleteI have found *no one* who says the teen years are easier. I ignored popular wisdom when it came to young kids - I figured I knew more and could game it. And I was wrong. So I'm stepping a bit more hesitantly now.
Your list of teenager problems are the stereotypical list but those aren't the issues I hear about that concern me. I look at this is an unknown unknowns situation. Your overconfidence could end up being your undoing.
Or it could all turn out really well because you're not expecting bad things and expectations occasionally inform reality.
Teenagers are awesome! I know, I spend lots of time with big groups of them.
ReplyDeleteA few things:
1) I suspect that parents of teenagers have had enough distance from infant/toddler/small kid years to put on their rose coloured glasses and remember the good times, while forgetting what it's like to change the sheets stained with poo while holding (and equally pooey) screaming child at 4 in the morning. Already I forget how difficult the 'every 3 hours' feeding cycle was for Emily and I when our lil guy was newly home.
2) If you're a control freak (or tend that way a bit), teenagers are probably pretty stressful. When kids are toddlers you control everything - what they eat, where they go, what they wear, who they see etc etc. So that's less stressful than a kid who's making many of their own life choices.
3) Teenagers have very different brains from adults. It's hard to understand why they behave the way that they do because to an adult brain their behaviour seems crazy. Their pre-frontal cortices aren't fully hooked up until they are in their early 20's so they really do have a very different brain even though they seem like adults much of the time. This manifests in novelty seeking, risk taking, and weird reward interactions that it's hard for adults to properly appreciate unless you're expecting it (even then....)
4) I'd suggest having a frank conversation about the effects of drugs and alcohol on brain development with Elli at the appropriate age. As it turns out (as was told to me by Dr. David Tranter from LU and other reading that I've done), regular binge drinking behaviour is what's bad for teenage brain development - something that a LOT of young people do - while with pot, if you smoke a lot of it before your adult brain is fully hooked up (early 20's) you're likely to impair your brain development to some degree. Fortunately, consuming a lot of pot after that point is, I'm told, entirely harmless towards long term cognitive function. If you can get kids to hold off on large doses of alcohol and cannabis until their brain has mostly turned into an 'adult brain' they are more likely to reach their full cognitive potential. Just some info that I think kids should be armed with before they start making theses decisions. I, like you Sky, am 100% in favour of giving young people all the real science to help them make sex, drugs, & Rock and Roll related decisions. Currently it seems like the attitude towards drugs and young people is "BAD BAD!! DON'T TOUCH" which me know works so very well..... ergh!
Oh dear, blogspot screwed me over
ReplyDeleteI tried to post my very eloquent if wordy response and accidentally logged out. Blogspot didn't save my comments and I didn't do the intelligent thing (writing a long ish response in another window or app, then C&Ping) suffice to say I too was very optimistic about the teen years being different than the stereotypes...but so far, we are living out a bunch of them. As parents of twins without older or younger siblings we have no previous experience and won't be able to do it better next time!
Oh dear, blogspot screwed me over
ReplyDeleteI tried to post my very eloquent if wordy response and accidentally logged out. Blogspot didn't save my comments and I didn't do the intelligent thing (writing a long ish response in another window or app, then C&Ping) suffice to say I too was very optimistic about the teen years being different than the stereotypes...but so far, we are living out a bunch of them. As parents of twins without older or younger siblings we have no previous experience and won't be able to do it better next time!